I could medal in self-sabotage

In April a friend of mine told me she thought I should do a triathlon. I politely laughed at her suggestion and thanked her for the compliment but told her she was crazy. I am not a sports person; have never been. My brother is one of those naturally athletic people and I have spent my life watching him pick up a golf club and shoot a 78 on his first round, or decide to start running and do a quick 10 miles to see how he liked it. He is tall, lean and can naturally adapt to any sport. I have joked that I donated those genes to him...I sacrificed for the greater good.

While I would never consider myself athletic, in shape or fit, I would consider myself active. My freshman year in college I was banned from the college gym because I was going 3 times a day and they thought I had exercise bulimia. I was just bored and I enjoyed the brainlessness of following an aerobics instructor. I have worked out pretty consistently since then, mostly because I find it keeps me sane. But a triathlon? That is for athletic people.

But after a few days, I was still thinking about it. Everything lined up well. It is a sprint distance, so shorter than usual. It is women only. It is in September so I would have time to train. The swim is in a pool instead of a lake so for me, a non-swimmer, this is ideal. I talked the idea over with my husband. The last year has been a transition year for our marriage and we are continually searching for things that the new Amy and new Joe like to do together. Joe is a big swimmer and we both like biking so we decided that we could do some training together. I signed up for the Ramblin Rose Triathlon.

Fast forward to August: The tri is only 7 weeks away and I still feel like I have a lot of work to do. I am no longer afraid that I can't finish. I know I can. Now I want to finish strong. I want to be in the top half of the finishers. Really, I'd like to finish in the top 200 people. OK, honestly, I'd like to win my age group. I may not have gotten any athletic ability, but I did get a good dose of competitiveness.

I also got a healthy dose of laziness too and right now laziness is winning. I am having such a hard time getting motivated to actually do anything. I am going through the training and some nights having a great time. But I don't feel like I am pushing myself hard enough to compete. I swim the minimum amount I need to swim. I bike slowly, just a few miles more than I need to go. I have only run twice since April. I KNOW I will be so frustrated if I don't finish in the top 200. Yet, I just had a kit kat for my morning snack and will most likely hit McD's for lunch.

My self sabotage doesn't only appear in athletic pursuits. I want to have a clean, organized house. I am sure sitting on my couch all weekend did not make that happen. I want to lose 30 pounds. I know I can do this and did last year. I also know that the kit kat and McD's lunch will not help. And yet, those are my choices.

I think part of growing and accepting yourself is admitting that the areas where you self sabotage are the areas you need to accept the faults the first. I think it is your mind's way of saying it disagrees with the plan. I am never going to be a size 4. And frankly, I don't think I want to be. I would like to be 20 pounds lighter, but if I don't lose that, I am OK too. I am comfortable walking around a pool in my bathing suit and I think that counts for something.

So I can have a truce with my mind and tell it that I hear its cries loud and clear. My mind wants to be fat. OK - I give. McD's for lunch it is. But hear me mind: I am not willing to compromise on the triathlon. I don't WANT to compromise on the triathlon. I had a great swim yesterday. I finished third and was only passed by one person, who finished first. I got out of the pool and my legs felt strong. My run felt graceful. I felt comfortable and confident. I think that finishing in the top 200 in a real possibility for me.

I always find it sad that there are friends that every time we see each other we say "We need to do this more often" and then a year will go by. On the other hand there are friends that I make time for - set up monthly dates, email and call when I get a lone 10 minutes. I think even in the busiest of schedules you always find a way to make the time for the things that matter. I just need to remember that this is one of those things that matter. Really.

So I am rededicating myself for the next 7 weeks. I am going to make this matter. I am going to get sweaty and dirty and sore. I am going to finish strong. And I am going to love it. Do you hear me mind??? Now off to McDonald's.