All Grown Up....

The last couple of days I have been in a bit of a funk that I haven't been able to shake. I think I finally have been able to figure out a few reasons why.

1. A couple of weeks ago I ended a 10 year friendship with 'Helen' (technically I guess she ended it, but I certainly had a hand in pushing her there). I really feel like I am back in high school and my boy friend just broke up with me. Sure, I know it is the right thing to do and I know I will be better for it, but I can't help but wonder if she misses me yet. So this weekend I went around my house and took down pictures of us, threw away her spare tooth brush she kept in case of drunk spend the night emergencies and packed up the "Best Friends Forever" nick knack hanging angel that was in the hallway. I debated taking down a picture she bought my husband as a Christmas present and decided that since it did not reference our friendship, and in truth I really like it, I would keep it up. I obsessed again if not reaching out to her was bitchy of me and if that meant that it was really ME that isn't a good friend.

2. I heard from my best friend throughout high school, Stacey. Her mother has been fighting lung cancer for 4 years and the cancer is now winning. The woman that I called my second mom is dying. I am so sad for her, that the disease has won; that her spirit is dying faster than her body; that her quick wit and loving voice has been ravaged and replaced with only small moments of lucidity. I am so sad for her daughter, my friend, who at 34 has found herself making health decisions for her mother, choosing not to tell her about the progression of the disease because she knows her mother's weakened mental state will not comprehend what needs to be done. It makes my heart hurt for the family who is faced with the reality that her death is the most positive option at this point.

3. In regards to work, a year ago I was in a completely different position, with my closest friends all working along with me. Work was challenging, exhausting and fun. One year and 55 people laid off later it is a different place. I still have some close friends here but not nearly what I had. On Monday I got some results that showed that I didn't win a particular challenge. My job is OK and I am doing OK, but there are days, and Monday was one of them, when I wonder if I am pushing myself hard enough, using my skills in the best way possible. Then there are days where I wonder exactly what my skills are and what I am doing here!

I remember when I was in 4th grade I would look down the hall and see the 7th and 8th graders and was so jealous. They got to play in the back of the building but I had to be in the front with grades 1-6. The older kids seemed so together, so glamorously grown up. I remember thinking what it would feel like to be older. Then suddenly I was in 7th and 8th grade but I didn't feel nearly as glamorous as those other kids looked. Then when I was a freshman in college I looked at the seniors and thought they looked so composed and mature and responsible. Then I was a senior and felt lost and scared and not at all collegiate! I know all the cliches about appearances not being everything but I still don't feel how I think I should feel at this stage of life. I don't feel like I am mature enough to be ending a friendship because it is no longer healthy for me to be in it. I don't feel like I am old enough to be attending funerals at least once a month. I don't feel old enough to have a close friend who is the care giver to her mother. I don't feel old enough to be thinking about life without my parents. I still feel like a kid myself.

But I guess I am a grown up. I am married, own a home, have a car and a credit card. I kiss boys (well one boy), and have even "done it" (except if my dad reads this, then never, ever, ever). I bet I even look "put together and glamorously grown up" to other people. So I think I was in a funk because all of a sudden I got hit with so many endings; the ending of my friendship with Helen, the ending of Stacey's mom's life, of Stacey's innocence. The most important ending was mine; the ending of denial. I am a grown-up. My work is different. My circle of friends is changing. Soon I will have to stand next to my dear friend Stacey as she buries her mother and I won't be able to do anything to soothe her pain. I might be called upon to be a care giver to my parents soon. The mortgage is due.

I have to imagine that everyone else is just making their way; wondering how all of a sudden they became a grown up. I have a great life and I know that...I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or say how horrible things are because in truth they aren't. But this week I could have used a vacation from adulthood; just a couple days of sleeping in, sitting too close to the TV, still in my jammies, eating cereal, my hair in pig tails, wondering when I could go outside and play. Until that magically becomes possible, I will try to get out of my funk by going back to basics. I am going to go home tonight and put on my jammies. I am going to sit too close to the TV and have ice cream for dinner. I am going to ignore the bills and the dirty house and wait for my husband to come home and play and make sure we giggle. I'm going to give myself a break and understand that a funk does not a lifetime make. I guess that is all I really can do. And maybe that is one part of being a grown up - realizing that there is nothing you can do about it but try to find some happiness, embrace your inner child, giggle and get up the next day.