Tri Training Update - 3 weeks to go! Hello Stress!

I hate the saying 'I'm stressed out' because it seems so cliche. For the most part I feel like I handle stress pretty well. As long as I work out daily I seem to be able to keep things in perspective and go with the flow. I work in an industry where change is constant and this year has been a doozy. In January my company had a 'Reduction in Force' and 59 of my co-workers here in Charlotte were let go. My boss was fired in February, I picked up three new job responsibilities and got a new boss. Then last week THAT boss was fired and I have another new boss. The new guy seems OK. He has a decent, dry sense of humor that I like and so far our interactions have been positive, though I am pretty sure that in a few months I will not be doing the job I am doing now.

I will admit, I walked out of my first meeting with the new guy more freaked out than I think I ever have been. I went to Shelia's office, shut the door and cried. But I am a good problem solver and by the time I made it back down to my office I had a plan and a list of things I can do; even joked about launching a "Save the Mann" campaign with co-workers.

On Saturday morning I got up and felt a slight twinge in my back. I tried stretching to no avail. My face also decided to break out in a nasty way and coupled with the braces I felt positively ugly. I knew a workout would help so I ignored the pain and got in the car to drive to a class. I couldn't even make it into the gym; my back was spasming and would not let me do anything. I have a great relationship with my chiropractor so I was able to get right in to see him on Saturday morning. I couldn't remember doing anything specific that threw my back out of whack so he asked me if I was stressed. I laughed. I guess I am.

I don't know why it bothers me so much to say, 'YES I am stressed'. My job in up in the air, Joe and I are in a transition phase of our marriage, I have the triathlon that I am training for, my friendships are in flux, I am concerned about money, have gained 30 pounds and while generally happy, I have a lot of changes happening in and around me. I feel like it is weak to say I am stressed, or to admit that things are bothering me. My body had other ideas though.

I spent the entire weekend, on the couch. It was beautiful, sunny and not too hot and I longed for a decent bike ride but since I couldn't stand straight, a tv-athon was all my day held. Monday I went into work. I wanted to call in sick, but it was the new guy's second day on the job and I didn't want to be "that girl". By 3PM I could hardly move. I left early and called in sick on Tuesday. I ended up working from home but it was much better to not be locked into a chair all day long. By Wednesday morning I was feeling much better and berating myself for not calling in sick on Monday.

I am a firm believer that the body communicates with you if you listen. I try to be in tune to what my body is telling me to make sure we get along well. But the past few weeks I have ignored the many signs it has been giving me because I didn't want to admit I couldn't handle it. Dear Body, I am so sorry.

I took all last week and even Labor Day weekend off and I feel better now than I have in a bit. All of those things that were stressing me out are still there but I think a few days of down time, mentally and physically, made all the difference. I have a couple different options as far as a job goes and I am more curious than anything about how work is going to pan out. I am going to get back on the bike tomorrow and do the Booty Loop. Taking just a few days to get some perspective was exactly what I needed, shame on me for not listening to myself sooner. This morning when the alarm went off I felt rested and excited to get a work out in. I drove to the gym with the windows down and the radio blaring my current favorite song "She's Got You High" by Mumm-Ra and felt happy. I walked 3 miles and then swam for 30 minutes. My back feels good and it felt right to get active again.

I still hate saying "I am stressed" and want to be seen as a strong person who can make it through anything. Change, smange. I guess to be that strong person I need to admit that sometimes I'm not that strong and somewhere in there, I get the strength to carry on; the peace I need to have the right attitude. I have been so concerned about training for this triathlon that I think I forgot the process of it, the pleasure in taking each step slowly and growing steadily. When I look back at my first training session, I could hardly do 6 miles on the bike and you couldn't have paid me enough to run afterwards. Now I am sure I can finish, just wondering about time and thinking about next year and possibly a longer triathlon.

Instead of worrying that I set my training back I am going to praise myself for taking a week off when I needed it; for nursing my body by listening when it called for sleep, sleep and more sleep; and nurturing my soul by enjoying a lazy weekend with Joe, full of hand holding and nuzzling and just being ourselves together. I've got three weeks to go til the triathlon and hopefully will still have a job, but no matter what, I'll be OK. Bring on the stress - I can handle it!

Tri Training Recommitment Update- Bubble Blower No More.

This week I re-dedicated myself to training for my upcoming triathlon in hopes of sticking with it. Overall the week has been pretty good. My mom is 64 and I convinced her to do this triathlon because I thought it would be fun for us to do the training and the race together. So far it has been far from fun. She fell off her bike in July and injured herself pretty badly. After taking 3 painful weeks off she got back on the bike but her confidence was shot along with her cardiovascular endurance. Without lung strength swimming also became a chore. Last Sunday while I was being high fived for my top 3 finish in a time trial, my mother sat on the bench crying into a towel. She couldn't relax in the water and didn't finish half the race. It is an odd reversal to comfort your mother but I tried. She is exceptionally hard on herself (which explains where I get it) and my cheers of "You can do it!" "We have time" and "You are doing great" did not do much to help her.

We intentionally took Monday off and did a tri group bike ride on Tuesday. We had some tire issues so ended up in a small set all our own which was fine with me. My mom did well considering two months ago she could hardly get on the bike. Tuesday she rode for 4 miles, most of which on a busy 4 lane Rea Road at rush hour. We had some assholes honk at us which shook her a bit, but other than that it was a good ride, even though it was not the 15 mile ride the rest of the tri group did. She echoed Sunday's disappointment with herself and her level of fitness. As she berated herself I tried again to comfort her, reminding her to compare her performance with her performance in the beginning, not against other athletes who have done multiple triathlons. She has advanced incredibly from that first ride where she stayed in the parking lot, too scared to go on a road.

I decided that to help with our training we should join the Y. I hate the Y, but needed a reliable pool and the Y has one. Doesn't matter what the weather is, the Y pool is available and they always have at least 2 lap lanes open. So my mom and I met at 6 this morning. I walked into the pool and was instantly calmed. I have had a feeling that I was growing to really enjoy swimming. I love the look of a pool before anyone gets in it. This morning as I walked in there were about 20 people swimming for the Masters Swim program (non-team coaching program). It was completely quiet except for the gentle splashing of the people swimming. I can't really explain why this made me happy, but I felt content. There was an empty lane so I got in and began to do my laps. During my last lesson on Sunday one of the mentors commented that I look completely comfortable in the water. I was flattered and surprised. But the truth is, I am comfortable. I feel weightless and graceful and thin and fit and strong. My mom and I had a lane to ourselves and we had a good swim. We didn't go far, but we talked about her breathing, adapting to a slower count so she wouldn't be out of breath and also came up with a plan to build up her cardiovascular strength. I worked on being comfortable rolling to both sides and teaching myself how to flip, to no success.

I drove to work in a great mood and being me, over analyzed this. I realized quite simply that I was proud of myself. When I signed up for the Tri in April, I knew how to get through the water and I didn't sink. I started taking lessons with my tri group as a bubble blower and learned how to breathe, blow bubbles and swim competitively. I learned breathing on only my right, and just last week picked up breathing on a 3 count to both sides. In April I never would have gotten in a lap pool with other people and this morning I knew the etiquette and felt like I belonged there. I have never hated swimming, but in April I would have said it was a means to an end; something I did while diving, or to cool off at the beach. I certainly did not see the appeal of swimming back and forth in one lane for an hour. So I decided to take my own advice and compare myself to the only person worth comparing; myself. In the last 4 months I have come incredibly far swimming and am starting to really love it. The past few bikes rides have been leisurely rides that haven't really challenged my lungs or my legs. But I feel 250% more comfortable riding my bike, getting ready and doing things like changing a flat or fixing my chain. I am going running tonight and while before I really dreaded the running portion of it, I am actually excited about tonight's run. My parents and husband are joining me and then we are all going to dinner afterwards.

People have asked me several times why I decided to do a triathlon and my answer has always been "because I am stupid.". This morning I realized the real reason: it makes me happy. I love learning and growing and being active appeals to me. It gives me balance and keeps me sane. I may not finish in the top half of this race and if so I am sure I am going to be disappointed that day. Overall though I think this is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Every athlete has bad weeks or bad training sessions. I know my mom and I will work through this together and be stronger for it. I feel like this is what I am supposed to do with my body and am enjoying learning new things about myself. I may have recommitted to training but I think I really need to recommit to me, the new athletic, swimmer me; Bubble Blower no more.