Where'd I go?

Last night was my first Tri It For Life meeting as Vice President. After a year of ups and downs, I was pleasantly surprised when I was actually excited for last night's meeting.  It's a great group of women and I do love what TIFL has done for me and my view of what I can do.

Anywho, so my friend Wendy is now on the board.  Wendy was the first person I met in TIFL and she is absolutely fantastic, funny and spunky.  She (along with Jeannine) was instrumental in making last year's Rock Hill TIFL team the special thing it was.  We were talking and she asked me about my half ironman this year. I groaned and told her I was scared to death and was wondering if I could do it.  She hit me and said "where's the Amy that is all gung ho? The Amy that says "With training you can do anything?" We laughed it off and the meeting got started, but I kept thinking about it.  She was right.  Where is that Amy?

I never thought I could do a triathlon.  I did.  I never thought I could do a half marathon. I did and now 13 miles is no big deal. Even with those things I worried about it, but there was always forward momentum. I was afraid and nervous, but doing it anyway.  With this I am paralized by fear.  I haven't registered yet. I can't seem to commit when people ask me if I am doing it. I've forgotten why I want this. My mom asked me if it was worth it and I paused before answering. I think it is but I've forgotten for sure. That's not me.

I had a 16 mile run last weekend. I ran the first 8 with Doreen and it went by so quickly. We were both running well, talking the entire time and having FUN. I ran the back 8 with Cindy (seriously have the greatest training partners ever!) and though it was a bit rougher due to foot pain, I still really enjoyed it. I did it. My longest run ever. I got in the car and drove home and honestly, I wanted to pull over and tell complete strangers I had just done 16 miles. The sense of accomplishment and pride was overwhelming (as was my smelliness, but that's another story). Not 5 hours later I was back at self doubt.

So here are my worries: the hills are too tough, I'll be last, I'm too lazy to properly train, all the other people will be "professional" or look like "triathletes", I'll be the fattest one, my knees hurt.

Those are almost exactly what other people tell me when I say I am doing a race. And I HATE IT.  I can't stand it when people say "Oh I could never do that."  I HATE when people give me excuses. 

And yet here I am, telling myself the same thing.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to run a marathon but never thought I'd be able to since I was not a runner. In less than 38 days, I will run a marathon.  It might not be fast. I won't be last. I'm sure it's going to be hard, and I'll at some point think I won't be able to finish.  But as long as I can walk, I will cross that finish line.

So where did I go?  I guess marathon training has been harder than I thought it would be.  It's not easy for sure.  I hurt. I'm tired. It takes a long time, literally.  I miss my bed.  But I am pretty sure I am going to be obnoxiously happy after I finish.  I keep reading all these motivational quotes trying to find the old me; that person that jumps in feet first with enthusiam and positivity, yelling "With training you can do anything."  I'm Pollyanna Sunshine, Glass Half Full Girl.  I hope I find that version of me again, becuase quite frankly I don't like this whiny, negative me.