Melany turned 40 last week and she, Shelia and I were talking about life, and the general feeling that we really haven't amounted to much. Forty and this is it? We mostly go to work, go home, go to bed, repeat. Melany has had a Lifetime movie crazy bad year and is in a bit of a funk. So we suggested that she make a list of everything she wants to do, big or small, do-able or not. We told her not to talk herself out of anything, not to qualify the list; to just dream and write it down. We all decided to make our own list. I laughed that I was a planner so mine was pretty much done and didn't think any more of it. Then I read Shelia's blog, detailing her wishes, basically her "list". I realized something very important. I am a planner. Planning is very different than dreaming.
Sure I have things I want to accomplish this year. I have goals. But unless I can put together the logistics pretty quickly, it doesn't make my list. It has been a really long time since I have just let myself dream of what I want to do and not worry if it was even possible. So long in fact, that I forgot how.
So over the past few days I tried to get in touch with my inner dreamer. What do I want to do? If someone gave me a million dollars and no responsibilities, what would I do? What did 10 year old Amy want to do, before she became set in the routine of life? According to my diaries from childhood, I wanted to be an author. Then I wanted to travel to Russia and write a book about Russia (inspired by the movie White Nights). Then I wanted to go to Oxford University (inspired by Oxford Blues with Rob Lowe) and happily I can check that off my list as done. I wanted to go to Wimbledon thanks to my crush on Boris Becker. Another done. I wanted to sail in a regatta. I wanted to be a sex therapist. Writing a book came up several times. I wanted to travel around the world. More recently I decided I wanted to rent a sailboat and sail around the Virgin Islands. Maybe I skip dreaming and go straight from idea to planning it. Really, I do a lot, set goals and get a lot done, but it still doesn't feel like dreaming.
My parents bought a sailboat this month and while there still is a lot that needs to be done (and I need to learn how to sail), all of a sudden sailing around the world is actually an option at some point. I've been reading the blog of a friend of the family who in November sold everything he owned and is sailing around the world. The planner pushed the dreamer aside and wondered if I could do that. Could I get rid of all the responsibilities that at the same time tie me down and give me structure? Am I the type of person to throw caution to the wind and just see what happens? I think I'd like to be, but realistically I think I find peace in my routine. My 2009 New Year's Resolution was to lighten up, and while I did OK, maybe I still need to work on that. Maybe that will get me in touch with my dreamer.
Dreaming is hard though. It takes everything that the planner in me is good at and ignores it. Budget? Screw the budget. What about a realistic way to make it happen? Nope - this is dreaming. I have been thinking about this for over a week now and I am still having trouble. Writing a book has been a constant, but I wonder if I have anything to say. Travel is also a constant, so maybe I need to focus on dreaming of that more. I love sailing and being on a boat, and sailing around the Virgin Islands sounds like heaven to me but I worry about the pressure of being the one in charge of sailing. What happens if something happens and I can't handle it or forget how? See? I am not very good at dreaming. I start qualifying and quantifying and talk myself out of it before I even have begun.
So after a week of thinking, I think that thinking is my problem. So here is my spur of the moment dream list: I want to ride a horse in the mountains and not be afraid. I want to dive the Great Barrier Reef. I want to go to Fiji and stay in one of those little huts that has a glass bottom floor. I want to dive in Jellyfish Lake in Palau. I want to teach Miller to dive and be there on his wedding day. I want to hike up to the viaduct with Joe, talk all night and watch the sunrise, huddled up like we did on our first date. I want to go to Jackson with my family and sit at the Jackson Lake Lodge, drinking and watching the sunset while laughing so loudly we make other people annoyed with jealousy. I want to dive naked off a boat into the Caribbean. I want to go to Greece, New Zealand, Bali, Vietnam, Germany, French countryside, Italy, Ireland, Sweden, Alaska and India. I want to look good in a safari outfit and hat. I want to ride an elephant. I want to spend an entire day in bed in a hotel room, ordering room service and giggling. I want to be 85 and have my close friends over, and talk about all the stupid things we all did together in our 20s, 30s and beyond. I want to never stop learning, never stop growing and never stop improving. I want to get my PhD in something. I want to inspire people to strive to be better than they think they can be. I want to never stop thinking that having ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner is OK if you really want it. I want to have fresh flowers in my house and clean sheets on my bed every night. I want to never, ever, lose the ability to laugh at myself. I want to lose 50 pounds. I want to wear a bikini and feel drop dead sexy. I want to look good in white linen pants and a thong. I want to learn ballet. I want to learn to speak Spanish. I want to travel with Pacey. I want to go to a Hollywood Awards show, sit as an extra seat filler and be on the red carpet. If my brother decides to have children, I want to spoil them rotten, with the loudest, most annoying toys they make. I want to be in a regatta, to be on board a sailboat, heeling so dramatically I can touch the water.
OK so maybe I remember how to dream and in a way that makes me sad.
Glinda: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
So on top of all my goals for 2010, I am adding one more; to dream; to tell my planning instincts to shut up and let my mind wander. I've got a great life, but there is always a way to make it better.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”- Harriet Tubman
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