Sometimes It's OK to Move On.

A few months ago a long term friendship with "Helen" ended. She hurt my feelings, told me to F*** off and blocked me on Facebook. I was sad and grieved for our friendship but knew it was the right thing. She has since unblocked me from Facebook and has sent a few emails, never once saying what I need her to say; "I'm sorry."

There were four girls in my close friend group; Melany, Sarah, me and Helen. I am sure that this has caused Mel and Sarah some stress since they have to balance interactions and I know Melany feels like she is in the middle sometimes. Yesterday was Melany's birthday. We planned on getting a small group of people to go to dinner with her at her favorite place and I told her to invite Helen. It was Mel's birthday and she deserved to spend it with everyone she loved, and that includes both Helen and me. So we all went to dinner last night and it was a little awkward. Luckily there were enough people that I didn't feel like I had to have any alone time with Helen and I was glad to be able to spend the night with Melany.

I was quiet on the drive home and Joe asked if I was OK about the whole Helen thing. I told him I didn't know. Sometimes I think I should just go, suck it up like I usually do, tell her I was the wrong one and make it better for everyone. I have heard a ton of stories of people's pride getting in the way of relationships and I didn't want the fact that I want her to apologize and she doens't even realize she needs to, to ruin years of potential friendship. But that's not it. Her not saying sorry and telling me to F Off didn't ruin the friendship so her apologizing won't bring the friendship back either. Certainly that day was pivotal, but there were lots of other issues over the years. I have finally changed/grown/whatever to expect more from the people that love me. Funny, that was one of the things I most wanted her to do.

People toss around the word friend too much and I am sure everyone has different ideas of what a friend should be. To be my friend you should support me when I need it, tell me I'm wrong when I am, laugh with me, accept me for all my flaws and neurosis, judgements and failures, listen when I need to vent and play devil's advocate. Let me be who I am and love me for who I'm not. In return, I will do the same for you. I will also listen when you tell me I'm wrong, be appreciative when you tell me I'm right and always be glad to see you cheering me on. We might fight, and that is OK. Friends work through fights. Friendships are relationships and need work just like anything else. Both people need to want it and be willing to put in the emotional heavy lifting.

I used to be OK in one sided friendships where I was the listener, the comforter, the person who swallowed how I actually felt in order to keep harmony. I'm not OK with that anymore. I will be a great friend to you but you better be there for me too.

So here's the thing about Helen. It's OK that she's not my friend anymore. Just like you don't have to marry everyone you date, I don't think you have to be friends with everyone you've ever known. Helen and I had some great times and she shared intimate parts of her life and for that I am grateful. But we have both changed and unfortunately new Amy and new Helen don't see eye to eye. I'm not going to lie and say I still don't feel a little sad, but I think having the revelation last night that it's OK that we aren't friends has made it easier. In truth, I miss OLD Helen and deep down I think she wants to be friends with OLD Amy. I can't go back to Old Amy so it isn't fair of me to want her to go back to Old Helen. So I move forward, without her as a friend, but know that moving forward is OK. It's part of life. We were there for each other when we needed it. In some ways she is very responsible for making me who I am now and for helping me truly value some dear friends. So I thank her for that...and move on.