And All of a Sudden I Am Back In High School

I have been going to the gym every morning since the middle of August. I have fallen into the natural pattern of the place, coming at the same time, seeing the same people, using the same locker space, around the same people. The man at the front desk now says "see you tomorrow" instead of "have a nice day". I like this. It is comfortable and it makes me feel good about this new habit that I have developed and been able to keep up.

My mom and I use the same row of lockers each morning and there is always another girl that is on our same schedule and says "Hi Friends" every time she sees us. She is friendly and after a few days of close proximity, we started chatting. We told her of our upcoming tri, and the girl, Sarah, told us of this class that has helped her lose inches off her body and recommended we try it. So one morning we went to "Power Hour". It was challenging and I really pushed myself. If you have read any of my other blogs, I am sure you can guess what happened as we finished the running drills. Yep, I puked. I found a trash can...I'm not an inconsiderate puker...but the whole class saw me and I had to explain to about 40 people that it was OK - I'm just a puker. That was a couple of weeks ago and we haven't been back to class, mostly because of scheduling for the tri training.

We took a week off after the tri to recover and reward ourselves so started back and decided to come up with a new new workout schedule. I suggested adding pilates on Thursday mornings. Sarah was there for this discussion and agreed it was a great class that she goes to and we should for sure come with her.

So Thursday morning I donned my cute little yoga pants and matching tank top and went to the pilates room feeling pretty sassy. It was still dark and I took a seat in an open space and waited for my mom. There were 6 other people in the room and you could instantly tell that this group comes to class every week and knows one another. Sarah finally came in but didn't see me and went straight the group. She said that her friends were coming to pilates class today. One of the other girls said "hope it isn't like last time." The instructor asked what she meant and the girl, I'll call her Bitchy, says "the last time Sarah brought friends one of them threw up." Now by this point Sarah noticed me and pointed me out. Bitchy says "yeah I'm not kidding. Her last friend she brought to a class threw up." I paused and simply said "Yes, that was me." She looked down, embarrassed (I hope!) and quietly said "oh sorry" but damage was done. All of a sudden I was back in high school.

I've never been a super popular person. I got along with a lot of different groups of people because I am generally a friendly and nice person. But I have never been part of a group of "cool kids." I was closest to the dorks. I didn't let people cheat off my tests. I didn't drink. I read a lot and was not very involved with high school athletics. I was in the drama club and had one of the leads. I wasn't super skinny or super pretty and I didn't kiss a boy until I was 16. I was kind and average so people were nice to me. After we moved to NC, my general state of dorkdom was amplified when I went from an all girl school where make up was shunned to a co-ed school where pretty was required. I wouldn't say I was picked on but I know what it is like to walk into a situation and realize that I was what people were laughing at, or that I was excluded from cool places and parties. But I was nice, so I think people felt bad when they saw I was in the room, but nevertheless, I was pretty much a dork.

So on Thursday, in seconds, when I became acutely aware that Bitchy was making fun of me...and that they probably made fun of me the next class...and that meant that 40people that I don't know were laughing at me, I was right back in high school. I wanted to go home. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell "There are people that LOVE me. I'm funny. I'm Smart. YOU'RE the dorks" and run over and puke on her. Instead I brushed it off with a joke and went on and did pilates. Of course, I felt uncomfortable the entire hour. My cute outfit suddenly looked too tight and made Gertie my Gut look even bigger. I was cold and my skin was an uncomfortable pale blue color. My mom never showed up so when class was over I scurried out of the room, my yoga mat tucked between my legs. As soon as I got in the car I called Joe; "The kids at school made fun of me" with tears in my eyes.

The last few years I have really come to terms with who I am and generally accept that. Sure there are days here and there that I question things, but for the most part I feel like I have a healthy, slightly flawed self esteem. I AM a dork. I still won't let you cheat off my test, still am a big reader and don't drink that much. In meetings I still sit in the front row, take notes and don't talk. I have never done any cool drugs and still don't care about college or high school sports. But I have a great group of friends that love me. For New Year's Eve Joe and I gave Fight Club matching pajamas and without any prodding or asking, we all wore them and got a fantastically gay picture of all of us. I can't tell you how happy that made me to feel completely, 100% comfortable with me. So I was a little shocked and pissed at how easily I went right back to feeling awkward and out of place at the gym. And to be honest, the rest of Thursday sucked. I wasn't in a good mood and think I could have cried at the drop of a hat. I started analyzing every social interaction I had at work, questioning if they like me; if I am doing a good job; if I am smart. It was horrible. I recently read that the human mood changes every 5 seconds and if that is true, it is no wonder why I felt like I was on a roller coaster going deeper and deeper into yuck. I was also angry at myself. I am better than this. I have people that love me and most importantly, I LIKE ME. Why am I letting this get to me?

So I got home last night, had dinner and gave Miller a super long bath. We snuggled in bed as we read Teddy Bear's Picnic and I smiled when he told me "I wuv vouuu Amy". I hung out with Joe for a bit and then we snuggled in bed and I smiled when he told me he loved me, with better accentuation than Miller. And everything was perfect.

I really feel like I am a work in progress. I don't know how people say they are completely happy with who they are. How do they know who they are? Maybe they do and I am the one that is off, but I really think I am in a constant evolution, learning and growing. I don't think it is wrong to want to be accepted. In fact, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, being part of a group is up there with shelter and food. Actually, according to Maslow I am doing pretty OK. I do have my biological, physiological and safety needs met. I am accepted by a group, feel loved and have close relationships. All that allows me to work on the top two levels of his famous hierarchy: esteem needs and self actualization. I am working on achievements and personal fulfillment. So I know that a slip up here and there with my self esteem is OK. I just need to learn and grow and possibly use that awkward feeling to motivate me. I'm a dork and I'm OK with that. I'm also OK with every once and a while not being OK with that. And on those days I need to remember what is really important. Like Miller says "I'm funny, I'm silly, I'm strong, I can do it, I can reach the handle." OK that last one doesn't really apply as much, but I have a great life with people who love every little geeky thing I do. In truth I love every little geeky thing THEY do, and that makes us pretty perfect for each other.

So screw you Bitchy McBitcherson. Make fun of me all you want...I'm just going to be super nice to you so that you feel bad. Oh and I am going to do that pilates class until I am so flexible that I can bend my foot over my head and insert it up your ass. Thanks for the motivation.