Finding a Way Through the Suck

I am feeling inspired this morning; inspired to make a difference, to DO something, to feel proud and be a part of something larger than me.

A friend of a friend is fighting cancer. He is 27 and after a few surgeries, decided to start chemo in an effort to knock it all out of his system. He has a blog detailing each day. This is going to sound like a ridiculous statement, but I am surprised at how rough chemo is. I know the basics- it's poison. I get that this would be a rough process, but I guess I am used to the movie version of chemo.

Cue music montage...
Scene 1 -hospital room with cheery nurse, tired patient with head of hair.
Scene 2 -patient brushing hair, strand falling out, family shaving heads
Scene 3 -patient, bandanna on head, family gathered around holding hands.
Scene 4 -patient wearily getting out of bed, going home, regaining strength.

I'm sure you can see it in your head too and while you know that it is bad, you kinda block out the actual details. So reading Stephen's blog has made it more real, more visceral, my reaction more guttural. I don't even really know him. We have mutual friends and I have seen him around at pool parties or at the bar. Besides "hey grab me a beer too please" I don't think I have really spoken to him. And yet I am having a hard time getting him off my mind.

Maybe it is his age that makes it more real for me. Maybe it is his openness about the process; reading his blog has made our online-only relationship intimate. Maybe it is the mentions of his girlfriend which makes me think of how she is feeling, coping, helping; how this is changing their relationship and hoping it is making them stronger. How would I help Joe through that? How would he help me? Would we be OK? (Are people only affected by tragedy if they can see themselves in that situation?)

Whatever the reason, I feel irrationally connected to him and this fight. I want to help and yet I feel helpless. And while this morning it is centered around this one person, this sense of wanting to do something meaningful has been growing lately. I started feeling it while training for the triathlon. Helping my mom was fun for me and at the Tri It For Life celebration dinner, I knew I would become a mentor for the 2010 season. The group takes time off in October so I think I am just getting itchy and starting to look at other places. I have been following the actor Ed Norton as he runs a marathon this weekend to raise money for the Maasai people and this morning looked into Team in Training. The more I think about my plans to run in a half marathon, the more I think that that goal needs to be closely tied into a charity. Instead of finding a cute theme run, I am going to find a run that makes a difference for a charity I care about. I don't know what or when, but will let you know as soon as I do.

It feels silly to say I have decided to make a difference so I am going to run a half marathon and maybe a marathon. Whoop dee do. That isn't going to make Stephen or his girlfriend Julie feel better. It isn't going to help the countless thousands of other people who in an instant had their life changed by a cancer diagnosis. It's going to make ME feel better; quite the selfish way to give of myself. I just have to hope that I am only seeing my tiny part. Isn't there a saying about a drop of water making rings that travel over the lake? If you know what I am talking about, please let me know. I do remember a Buddha quote: Even a water pot is filled by the falling of water-drops. So this will be my drop for now and who knows what will come of it. What I do know is that I need to do something because my soul is crying out.

Until I find the event for me, I will keep reading Stephen's blog, keep thinking of ways that I can help him, even if that is just sending healing thoughts out there. I am inspired to help, inspired to inspire and who knows: This might just be the beginning.

Quoted in Stephen's recent blog: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected." - Tyler Durden, Fight Club