2013 Goals, Predictions and Hopes Oh My

If two thousand one two (2012) was the year to get through, then two thousand one three is the year of me. I have always set year goals; I like having a plan and I like seeing that I can set a goal and achieve them.  So here are my resolutions for 2013:

• Run the Rear in Gear 5K in March - My running partner that I love dearly lost her mom to colon cancer and I will run this in her memory.  It also serves as a gentle kick in my butt to get my rear in gear in my life. I need to get active.
• Ride in 24 Hours of Booty in July - Last year I made an appearance at 24HOB but was still fighting a wicked case of jet lag after coming home from Ireland. It was not anything like it has been in year's past, but I want to change it this year. I will set up a tent and be there all night.  I will also ride 100 miles because I know I can. 
• Run the Detroit Chevy Dealers International Half Marathon with Shelia in October- I can't believe I am going to say this, but I miss running.  Maybe not the ACT of running, but I miss the routine of it, I miss Cindy and Doreen and I miss who I was when I was running.  The Detroit marathon has a lot of appeal to me since you run into Canada.  I know I can do a half, and I think I'd like to try running with a pace team. I've got time to get back into shape, and will look forward to visiting Shelia in her new town.  But more than that, I am very proud of my running accomplishments, and want to get back to that me. As evidence, I just registered and broke into tears.  UGH.
• Read more.  Really.  I got in the habit of watching TV and heading right to bed and I miss reading.  So I am going to read before bed...the goal is 30 minutes a night. 
• Continue to pay off my debt, while saving for a kick ass 40th birthday year trip somewhere.  

OK those are the SMART goals, you know, Specific, measurable, actionable, realistic and timed. Here are my more esoteric goals.

• Sleep more.  I need sleep.  I do not need TV.  I also do really well on a schedule, so I need to get on one. 
• Eat better. I feel better and I know I need to. 
• Stop worrying.  This time last year I would have said my life was as close to perfect that a person can reasonably expect to have. Then I had this huge bombshell dropped in my lap (or more accurately. email) and my life has been on a roller coaster ride since then. An unintended result is that I am unreasonably scared that something really bad is going to happen. I think  I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING ELSE, so please God, go easy on me.  Let's have a steady, boring year.  K?
• Think about dating - to be clear, I just am going to think about it. Many, many, many people have expected me to be dating already, and I've had several offers. But here's the thing, I was in a relationship for 20 years.  I know how to do that. I am good at it, I don't need to worry about that.  I also know that I am pretty awesome and actually, I don't mind spending time by myself.  Please note that I did not say alone.  By myself.  I like me.  I think I am funny. I always want to watch the same thing I want to watch.  I like my taste.  I love my home.  I'm OK being on my couch.  I've done the relationship thing, now I think I'd like to try being on my own. I know some people can't be by themselves and must be in a relationship to define themselves or to make themselves happy. I'm not one of those people. I'm not saying I am never leaving my house (though Operation Holiday Hermit has been awesome), but I am perfectly happy being me.  
• Have a home where my friends feel comfortable coming and hanging out.  I want to host parties; I want people to bring beer and hang out on my couch for hours talking. I want my friends to feel that my home is warm (though not literally, bring a blanket) and open to them all the time.  It might not be perfect, but it is perfect for me. 

So that's all.  You know, the usual.  Eat less, work out more, spend less, laugh more.  Should be easy...no?

Happy two thousand one three...the year of a happy, healthy, more of me, me. 

2012 Year In Review

Well 2012 certainly did not go as I expected.  There was considerable heart ache, sadness and lots and lots of tears.  But there were also some amazing times, travels and laughs that I never thought would happen.  Regardless, here is my 2012 resolution list and how I did against it:

• Run a marathon: I'm proud to say I did this.  I didn't hate it and might even do it again.  Training was the hardest part and showed me that I can set a goal and stick to it...and I am capable of way more than I can even imagine. 
• Finish a half ironman: Well this didn't happen.  Basically my life turned upside down on March 18 and I haven't quite righted it yet.  The ironman is one goal that didn't happen.  I felt really guilty about it for a long time and then I decided I needed to get through the year how ever I could make it.  Forget getting through an ironman, I needed to get up and go to work, and some days that was struggle enough.  Honestly I don't know if an ironman is in my life plan anymore. That is going to be a goal of mine in 2013, figuring out who this new me is and what I want to do.  I have no doubt I CAN do it, the question is if I want to do and if I have the right reasons for doing it. 
• Read at least 24 books:  This didn't happen.  Again, life really became about surviving, so reading took a back seat.  I think I read 16 books.  
• Lose 20 pounds: I highly recommend the divorce diet...I did lose 20 pounds.  But fat and happy is a cliche for a reason and as my stress level rounded out, so did my hips.  
• Talk to my parents at least once a week: Well this one I can emphatically say I accomplished.  One of the highlights of this whole experience is living with my parents for 7 months.  I loved having that time with them and miss seeing them every day. One of my favorite memories will always be laying on my couch, my mom on hers and my dad on his, watching jeopardy and Saturday night lives.  (Loren. Sophia? no Loren. Sophia?)
• Work on friendships and me with some dedicated girls weekends:Well the weekends didn't happen as I planned, but I can say that I developed some great girl friends. I spent a week with my bestie Margaret, spent two weeks in Ireland with new friends, and generally made a point of making new friends but keeping the old.  You know, one is silver and the other's gold. 
• Rededicate myself to TIFL: Ha....this didn't happen.  I resigned in early May.  After having several stress related health concerns that had me undergo several MRIs, I needed to eliminate stress and Tri It was one of those.  So I resigned and honestly, it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am still very thankful for the organization and I don't think I could have gotten through this last year with out the skills and the friendships that I developed as part of Tri It. 
• Continue to work on my marriage by supporting and loving Joe the best way I can.- Well, what can I say about this one.  I still love Joe.  I worked on our marriage and I supported him. I can honestly say that I gave our marriage every ounce of my being and tried to make it successful.  

So not at all what I expected when the year started.  But as I learned in Ireland, sometimes the most unplanned things can bring the most happiness and that is what I am working on for 2013.  

November Music

October was a huge month, so of course November has been very slim in music that I like. 

No Sleep to Dream by Zella Day
Cut It Out by Kitten
Dark Again by Gold Fields
Default by Django Django (odd I know, it wears on ya)
Sweater Weather by Neighborhood
White Wine in the Sun by Tim Minchkin - yes, that is actually a Christmas song.
One More Night - Maroon 5 (Blame The Voice)

October Music

I really love where music is going these days.  I had to wait through too many years of screechy boy band rock and now almost every new band sounds good to me. (slight exxageration).  But as I start to think of my 2012 Best of Playlist, there are a few contenders from this month alone.

OoOo bu Oberhofer
Get Away With It by Animal Kingdom
Change by Churchill
Champion by The Chevin
All I Want by Kodaline
Wild by Royal Teeth
RadioActive by Imagine Dragons
Global Concepts by Robert DeLong
True Romance by Citizens
Brother by Matt Corby
One Day by Asaf Avidan
She by Laura Mvula
Put the Gun Down by ZZ Ward
Yeahs by Alesso

Happy Anniversary to Me

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary, yet I will not be celebrating it.  On March 18th of this year I learned that Joe had been speaking with a divorce lawyer for nearly a month and wanted a divorce.  I was completely blindsided.  He still told me he loved me, called me his best friend who "knew him better than everyone" and kissed me good bye every morning, even the morning that I accidentally found out.

I could never have predicted the utter heartbreak and sadness that I felt.  I called in sick to work, spending three days sitting in my bed sobbing. I just felt so very, very sad.  I was hurt, worried, scared but mostly very, very sad.  The Friday night I started packing to move out, a mere 5 days after my world turned upside down, I honestly, to my core did not think I could make it through.

My friends and family rallied and came to my rescue.  They came bearing gifts of chocolate, beer, sleeping aids and french fries.  They came and listened, and some came and talked, knowing the distraction was what I needed to remember that I will be OK and yes, life does go on despite a wounded heart. I will never be able to thank my core group of friends that were there for me that first week, giving in ways I never expected and can never repay.  When I think of where I am today, it is due to the outpouring of love and support that I felt that first week.  In fact, as I spent the first night in my parents' home, I went to sleep feeling more loved than ever.

It's been a tough 7 months, but each month has gotten easier in some way and there has been a lot of good and fun that has happened. I can tell I am healing, working through the pain, hurt and grief.  I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I went to Ireland, a place I never would have gone with Joe, and had a fantastic time. I have developed friendships with people and done things I only used to wish I could do. I made a "Can Do Check List" and have been steadily working through it.

I loved being married to Joe.  He was my best friend and through the 20 years we were together we were able to grow up, find out who we were as people, with a wonderful safety net of each other to catch us when we stumbled. I am a strong, independent and assertive person right now because I always felt that he loved me no matter how silly, stupid or bitchy I was. I will forever be thankful to him for that.  I will always love him and I hope that at some point he can find happiness.  To be very cliche, we had a great love story filled with lots of laughs, but that is over and now it is time for the next fantastic book of my life.

I will never be able to appropriately thank my parents for all that they have done for me over this time.  They showed up at 10pm on that most horrible Friday night and just stood and held me as I cried.  At the exact time they should be enjoying their retirement, they let me and my bird move into their home, clearing out closets and having dinner ready for me every night.  They supported when I needed and gave me space without me ever having to ask.  I quite literally could not have gotten through this without them.

I also have to thank a small handful of friends who have really gone above and beyond the call of friendship duty. From talking me down off the crazy train, giving me a safe place to cry or simply being there to share a funny story or latest silly me adventure, I truly know the importance of a good support system and feel incredibly lucky to say I have a great one.  I remember my mom walking in late that horrible night while I was sobbing.  I just said "I can't do this by myself."  My mom just held me and said "Oh honey, no one expected you to except you."  I did expect to be able to do it alone. Now I know that was foolish to even consider not leaning on people that love me when I needed it the most.

So for the first time in 20 years, I am on my own.  I am living by myself for the first time ever (and so far love it!). I have a great group of friends and despite the year not being at all what I planned, I am doing pretty well.  Take out the hurt and pain, and our separation becomes a business transaction. Any decision that had to be made I tried to think of what the me in 10 years would think.  I've said from the beginning I want to handle this with as much grace and dignity as possible, and I honestly think I am doing a good job with that, or at least the best that I can.

I really hope that November 9 becomes just a day, that I will at one point not even realize it was my anniversary.  But I also hope that when I do realize it is my anniversary, I can look back fondly on it, think about how happy I was that day, with the rainbow over my head, friends and family surrounding me.  Because I was happy; but now it is time for me to be happier.

In Defense of a Hero

Lance Armstrong stepped down as CEO from the Lance Armstrong Foundation and soon after Nike as well as Budweiser ended their relationships with him, with more to come.  I have spent all afternoon watching various tweets centered around his guilt, telling jokes (What is Lance's favorite animal?  A Cheetah) and generally jumping on the "We Hate Lance" bandwagon.  Not me.

I still am a Lance supporter and there are two main reasons why.

I remember watching Lance's first Tour de France and while at the time I knew very little about the sport, I was rooting for this guy, this AMERICAN, who just 3 years after having cancer was winning the grueling 23 day long road race. I cried when he won.  I have always had a bike and can remember as a kid just taking off and riding for hours just to explore. As a "grown up", I realized I missed my bike and started riding again. I wasn't the only one, as road biking suddenly became a topic of conversation and wearing spandex and riding on skinny tires was cool again.

Lance won again the next year and the next year and of course the next year and by then I was riding pretty steadily. I devoured his book "It's Not About The Bike."  I remember thinking that he is an x-man in the real world. His body processes oxygen at a higher rate than most people while producing less lactic acid than most. His spine is shaped in a way that makes him more aerodynamic. He simply is able to tolerate more physical stress than most people.  He also seems like a complete and total asshole.

Yep, you read that correctly.  He is an asshole. But I also think that he had to be to get through what he did and to continuously win like he did. The Tour de France is an incredibly impossible race to even complete. Each year there are multiple wrecks and even deaths. You simply cannot just decide one day to ride the Tour without any preparation. It takes years of training, days of riding in the rain, the cold, the hot and riding when the last thing you want to do is to ride. You have to fine tune your nutrition, focus everything in your life around one goal. I have done one thing like this in my life that is even remotely close and that was run a marathon.  I had to sacrifice parties, time with friends, dinners, ice cream, sleeping in and generally a life.  I hurt, all the time, and spent most weekends on the couch with ice packs on various parts of my body. I did all that for a sub par finish that is not even remotely close to what Lance could do.

I firmly believe that there are people that are naturally athletic and I am not one of those people, but Lance is. He is able to train to a level I never could dream of hitting. But the key piece of that statement is that he trained.  He did the work.  He put in the miles and miles and miles. He made the sacrifices. He prepared his body, his mind and his team for stresses they could never imagine.

I don't think anyone can deny that Lance Armstrong is more than a person, he is a brand. His name is synonymous with the  Livestrong logo that graces the yellow bands, t-shirts, bikes, hats, bags and cycling gear, seen at most races, sporting events and in any large crowd of people.  That brand has raised more than $470 million to support and empower people who are affected by cancer.  The Lance Armstrong Foundation has helped more than 550 organizations and countless thousands of thousands of people who have cancer. More than that, Lance has given HOPE to people who have cancer. He has revolutionized how people look at cancer. Instead of being a victim, Lance inspired people to fight, to take charge, to not surrender to the disease.  Livestrong is an immense resource center for people diagnosed with cancer, but Lance changed the status quo of those people.  Cancer is no longer a death sentence. Lance was able to fight cancer and come back to win the hardest road race in the world because he chose to fight.  He was the first person to say that a person with cancer can live.

Livestrong is about the fight.  It is about learning about the disease and living strong.  It is about acceptance of the fear, the anger, and working through all the emotions that a cancer patient and their support system are about to feel.  It is about living a life and having a life worth living.  Lance Armstrong showed people that you can live after being diagnosed with cancer.  His strength gave others strength.

For me, he will always be the person who got me back on my bike, and for that I thank him. Because of that I have met people that have helped me along in journeys I never knew I would be on.  The person I was 10 years ago has fundamentally changed, due mostly in part to my ability to ride my bike. More importantly, Lance is still the person who changed our society's opinions on cancer.  We fight.  We don't accept less than living.

I don't know the details on the doping scheme, I don't know if he was simply using his own oxygenated blood or steroids. I don't know if he was the only one or if everyone was doing it.  What I do know is it is impossible to finish the Tour de France without putting in the work. I know that he helped many friends of mine learn about their cancer and be better prepared legally, financially and mentally.  I know that in the pros and cons of life, he has done far more for society as a whole than most people can ever dream about. He had cancer. He fought and he won; continues to fight.  He taught all of us that we can also fight and win.  And for me, that is why I will always be a Lance fan. 

September Music

Teenage Icon by The Vaccines
Something Good by Alt-J
Ayla by The Maccabees
Bom Bom by Sam and The Womp
Read All About It by Emeli Sande
Flaws by Bastille
Talk Through The Night by Dog is Dead
Madness by Muse
Two Fingers by Jake Bugg

Music Notes this Month:
I have been very fortunate this month to see a lot of  concerts and with each one I was reminded how much I love music and how important it is in my life. I am constantly amazed with peoples' talent, especially since I myself have none. Sitting in a room listening to a great singer still gives me chills and I vividly remember some performances that have brought me to tears. So even though many of these really messed up my sleep schedule, here are some highlights from my month of music:

A Silent Film - This band has long been on my radar, included in best of lists since April of 2009.  So I was really excited when they were announced to play a work event.  Their songs are pretty and the lyrics are mostly sad, which is a trait that for some reason I really like.  Like most music I really like, hardly anyone was familiar with the band which is a shame. In person they were humble, sweet and very appreciative of people actually singing their lyrics.  Two of my favorites: You Will Leave a Mark and Driven By Their Beating Hearts.

Metric: This band has been around for a bit and their songs are played pretty consistently on the station that I listen to the most, Atl Nation.  I've never really loved them, never hated them.  Then I saw them in an acoustic performance and I was amazed. The lead singer's voice is pure and beautiful and it has forever changed how I think of their music. You will probably recognize Youth Without Youth.

The Wombats: This band peaked my interest a few years ago with their song "Let's Dance to Joy Division" because it is a good song and I love that they get the irony of that line. It made me laugh.  So I have been following them, purchasing all of their stuff and would consider myself a fan. Their newest single Jump Into the Fog addresses a woman as "love" (which I LOVE and want) and also has a great lines: "I'm only here because I want to twist the structure of my average day" and "life tastes sweeter when its wrapped in debauchery". So I was more than a little excited to see they were coming to Charlotte and that they would be coming to work. I was the only one that I work with that even knew who they were!  Now I see a lot of bands come through work, some big and some small.  Some do a great job interacting with the crowd and then there are bands like The Wombats.  They walked onto the platform, hardly said hello, unceremoniously sang two songs (the usual is three) and walked off stage.  That's it. I was very disappointed.  For a band with such a sense of humor in their lyrics, to have no personality whatsoever was not what I expected. I went to the show that night and they were better, but still they have lost a bit of their appeal.   I still like the music, but I will never again skip down the hall at work exclaiming "The Wombats are here!"  Check out one of my favorites, Tokyo.

Morning Parade: I liked this band's first major hit and since they were opening for the Wombats, they also came by work. They were the first band in the 16 years I have worked here that wore a sports coat.  They also smelled good, a rarity.  They did the normal introduction, sang a song and then said they wanted to play a game with the audience members.  It was hilarious!  They sang another song and when it came to the next break they chose me. Steve, the lead singer introduced himself to me and asked the question, then played their hit song.  We took pictures and that was it.  That night at the concert I bought a cd and went up to get it autographed. He looked at me and right away said 'Hi Amy, so glad to see you again!".  How awesome is that?!  We chatted, he said he'd be around afterwards and asked if I'd stay for a drink.  I was there with Shelia, so we both stayed and she bought the band a round of drinks.  I hung out and talked with Steve while The Wombats were playing.  He had been touring with them for a few weeks and said that they are funny and nice.  He also said he was so  impressed that the Wombats were playing in a small venue here when just two weeks ago they were playing to a sold out 50,000 crowd in the UK.  I asked him if that was disheartening and he said quite the opposite...that it was inspiring to be with a band that loved performing and loved the music so much.  So Steve bought me two drinks, we hung out talking for about an hour.  I am pretty sure we are best friends now.  :)  But seriously, they will be back in Charlotte in November.  Go see them; they are a group of nice guys with a lot of talent.   Headlights is great, but this Us & Ourselves is my favorite.