Happy Anniversary to Me

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary, yet I will not be celebrating it.  On March 18th of this year I learned that Joe had been speaking with a divorce lawyer for nearly a month and wanted a divorce.  I was completely blindsided.  He still told me he loved me, called me his best friend who "knew him better than everyone" and kissed me good bye every morning, even the morning that I accidentally found out.

I could never have predicted the utter heartbreak and sadness that I felt.  I called in sick to work, spending three days sitting in my bed sobbing. I just felt so very, very sad.  I was hurt, worried, scared but mostly very, very sad.  The Friday night I started packing to move out, a mere 5 days after my world turned upside down, I honestly, to my core did not think I could make it through.

My friends and family rallied and came to my rescue.  They came bearing gifts of chocolate, beer, sleeping aids and french fries.  They came and listened, and some came and talked, knowing the distraction was what I needed to remember that I will be OK and yes, life does go on despite a wounded heart. I will never be able to thank my core group of friends that were there for me that first week, giving in ways I never expected and can never repay.  When I think of where I am today, it is due to the outpouring of love and support that I felt that first week.  In fact, as I spent the first night in my parents' home, I went to sleep feeling more loved than ever.

It's been a tough 7 months, but each month has gotten easier in some way and there has been a lot of good and fun that has happened. I can tell I am healing, working through the pain, hurt and grief.  I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about other people. I went to Ireland, a place I never would have gone with Joe, and had a fantastic time. I have developed friendships with people and done things I only used to wish I could do. I made a "Can Do Check List" and have been steadily working through it.

I loved being married to Joe.  He was my best friend and through the 20 years we were together we were able to grow up, find out who we were as people, with a wonderful safety net of each other to catch us when we stumbled. I am a strong, independent and assertive person right now because I always felt that he loved me no matter how silly, stupid or bitchy I was. I will forever be thankful to him for that.  I will always love him and I hope that at some point he can find happiness.  To be very cliche, we had a great love story filled with lots of laughs, but that is over and now it is time for the next fantastic book of my life.

I will never be able to appropriately thank my parents for all that they have done for me over this time.  They showed up at 10pm on that most horrible Friday night and just stood and held me as I cried.  At the exact time they should be enjoying their retirement, they let me and my bird move into their home, clearing out closets and having dinner ready for me every night.  They supported when I needed and gave me space without me ever having to ask.  I quite literally could not have gotten through this without them.

I also have to thank a small handful of friends who have really gone above and beyond the call of friendship duty. From talking me down off the crazy train, giving me a safe place to cry or simply being there to share a funny story or latest silly me adventure, I truly know the importance of a good support system and feel incredibly lucky to say I have a great one.  I remember my mom walking in late that horrible night while I was sobbing.  I just said "I can't do this by myself."  My mom just held me and said "Oh honey, no one expected you to except you."  I did expect to be able to do it alone. Now I know that was foolish to even consider not leaning on people that love me when I needed it the most.

So for the first time in 20 years, I am on my own.  I am living by myself for the first time ever (and so far love it!). I have a great group of friends and despite the year not being at all what I planned, I am doing pretty well.  Take out the hurt and pain, and our separation becomes a business transaction. Any decision that had to be made I tried to think of what the me in 10 years would think.  I've said from the beginning I want to handle this with as much grace and dignity as possible, and I honestly think I am doing a good job with that, or at least the best that I can.

I really hope that November 9 becomes just a day, that I will at one point not even realize it was my anniversary.  But I also hope that when I do realize it is my anniversary, I can look back fondly on it, think about how happy I was that day, with the rainbow over my head, friends and family surrounding me.  Because I was happy; but now it is time for me to be happier.