Decisions, Decisions

In December, fresh off my half marathon high, I registered for the Southpark Racefest half marathon. The course is hilly, far more challenging than the route I ran in November. There is a 3 hour time limit too...so not only is it harder, but I'd have to run faster. But it was December. I had 4 months to train so I wasn't worried.

Commence pain; knee, hip, back, overall. I took a month long hiatus from running and pretty much all activity. It became the norm to cancel my early morning workouts. I ran 2 miles once in about 3 weeks. The half marathon loomed.

Yesterday Cindy, Doreen and I ran the back 7 miles of the course. My back hurt: I wore my TENS unit on the way there and took a muscle relaxor before I started the run. It was not a good day and I lagged behind them. I cursed myself for getting out of the habit, eating poorly, gaining more weight. Seeing them sprint up a hill made me want to cry. Two miles later I literally did.

I am angry at myself for getting to a point where I could comfortably run 13.1 miles and letting it go. I am disappointed that I don't push myself harder. I am thinking of not doing the half and only doing the 10K instead. This makes me feel guilty and then upset that I feel that way. I told Cindy I was thinking of dropping down and immediately felt shame and a bit of competitive peer pressure. But here is the thing..I am not a professional athlete. I am doing this becuase I have fun doing it. I don't want this race to ruin that for me. I don't want to hate it. I don't want to cry during the race. I don't want to be the very last person to finish, so late that event organizers have packed up and are ready to go home. But will I feel good about only doing a 10K?

I want to be proud of myself again. I have a decision to make.