I Guess I Suck At Breaking Up WIth People

It occurred to me that I have never broken up with someone. I guess I never really gave it much thought before, but this week has made me realize that I could have used some practice.

I have detailed the ending of my relationship with my friend Helen, or rather, what I thought was an ending. I had finally reached a point where I felt secure in my decision to end the friendship. I thought that having one person tell you to F**k off and then not speaking for 8 months was a pretty clear ending. Today I got an email from Helen and apparently I was wrong. Apparently it just meant that I was cold hearted, stubborn and judgemental. She asked how I could ignore our friendship like it had never happened and that she thinks about me every day. Her text telling me she was watching Sex in the City, thinking of me and that she would "be here all year" was her way of starting a dialogue to apologize. She thought I deserved more than an apology over email or text but I ignored her so she couldn't apologize. It was my fault we were no longer friends. Then came even more drama. Her sister emailed me to tell me she was also severing our relationship. A mutual friend emailed me to tell me that she had just found out about our fight but that Helen missed me. Another mutual friend told me about the night Helen spent in tears crying over our relationship. I was conflicted. I wondered how I became the bad guy then thought maybe I should just suck it up, tell her what she wants to hear and go back to being her friend. It would make things so much easier in a way. What is a friend if not someone to understand and support people through ups and downs? Maybe I AM a cold hearted stubborn, judgemental bitch. No, I was pretty sure I was right. Thinking about going back to friends made me feel icky, for lack of a better term. Yep, ending the friendship was the thing to do, but Helen missed the memo.

I needed to respond to her email and give her some closure, but I waited. I wanted to address all her points, to somehow make her understand how I felt, to make her understand how I felt like my heart had been ripped out and how my world was turned upside down. But I finally realized that it wouldn't matter. She is always going to be the victim; in our relationship, in life. I can either be taken advantage of or be a bitch. Unfortunately, there isn't an in between with her. So I wrote her back a very nice, polite, good luck on future endeavors email, telling her that she broke my heart and I couldn't do it again, but was very thankful for the part she played in my life and for the positive memories I had of us. I wished her luck in life and in her career...and almost hit send.

First I sent it to Margaret to review then I walked down to Shelia's office and asked if I was a cold hearted bitch. She laughed and said absolutely not. Margaret replied and told me it was nicer than she would have said and that I should send. Feeling better for a second I pulled up the email but hesitated.

Sending this email would end it for sure. There was no going back, no recovering the friendship after I hit send. Is that what I really wanted? I again thought of going back to her and my stomach hurt thinking of all the drama that she chooses for her life. Then something clicked and I got pissed. If I was dating a guy who treated me the way Helen did, my friends would uniformly tell me to break up and never speak to him again. There would be no way they would support a guy treating me like that. Why is that any different for girl friends? Do girls get a license to treat you like crap and then just say "if you are my friend you will understand"? Maybe the reason I never broke up with someone before is because I never had the self respect to demand more. I had a boyfriend actually tell me that he was dating me because I had a good personality "even though I was fat". AND I KEPT DATING HIM; I was just glad I had a boyfriend! To my 18 year old self I yell, "OMG ARE YOU KIDDING?! GET OUT AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN!"

Yes, friends should support and forgive and love each other for all the good and the bad. But I also think that people need to love themselves enough to surround themselves with people that are positive influences, that make you a better person, that push you to become the person they know you can be. When I stop being able to see the good in you, or stop being proud to call you a friend, it is not healthy for either of us to be in the relationship.

Shelia always talks about 'weeding the garden' and that makes so much sense to me. Life is about choices and I firmly believe that every situation has a positive and negative choice to be made. Well I choose positive; positive people, positive motion, positive events, positive attitude. That doesn't make me a bad person and certainly not a cold hearted bitch. I'm not saying everything is great and easy and happy all the time, but friendships shouldn't be hard, or make you feel icky. I thought about my small (and getting smaller) circle of close friends and smiled, remembering something funny about each recent interaction. There wasn't anything spectacular, just everyday joy and silly moments; Margaret singing on my voice mail, Shelia's face lighting up talking about a guy she took home, Erin's excitement over the A-Team trailer, Sandy's latest manventure tale. I cherish each of them and am so thankful they are in my life.

I hit send.