You ever have those moments when you realize that for as long as you can remember you have been ignoring some very good advice and regret all that time? That's how I feel this morning about heart rate monitors. I got one about 4 years ago and used it once. I remember feeling like I wanted to run faster than my heart rate would let me so I never used it again. When I realized that my puking was related to heart rate issues, I invested in a nice Garmin heart rate monitor (I chose Garmin solely because they sponsored Edward Norton in his NYC marathon fundraiser for the Massai people - marketing works!). I used it for the first time today and wow, what a difference. I was worried I was going to max out in the first two minutes. I didn't. I was able to stay in a comfortable zone and really never felt like I was super out of breath or was going to die. In fact, I might flirt with the term "enjoyable.". At least, it was the most enjoyable run so far.
The thing about running, especially when you are running without a buddy as I did this morning, is that at any point, you can just stop. No bells will ring, no warning signs will flash. You can just stop and go on about your day. I sure thought about it. Last week wasn't a good week for me. I felt like I was fighting a cold and on my run day was exhausted. I listened to my body though, didn't push it and walked instead of running. Luckily I never actually got sick, but it pushed my running training schedule back a week. So this morning I chose to jump ahead and do what was scheduled...a 15 minute solid run, followed by a 10 minute run. It honestly wasn't bad. I still am really slow and hoping that my heart will let me run faster, but if not so be it.
I really do think that our bodies are far smarter than we could imagine. I am trying really hard to listen to mine. I won't over exert myself when I am feeling like I am fighting something. I will let me heart guide my cardiovascular training. Already I am seeing the rewards.
I still don't know that I will ever love running like I do biking or swimming, but I am excited by the challenge of it. There is nothing that is making me do this. I can stop at anytime. Joe doesn't think I can do it. He hasn't said that but I can tell he doesn't think I will finish a half marathon. Honestly, I don't know if I can either and that scares me. The scarier part is that I don't think my ability is physical at all. I have to train my brain to push through the fear, the pain, the self doubt. Yet maybe that is why I am drawn to this right now in my life; to feel all that and know that I can power through it. I want to feel accomplished, that I did something that did not come easily to me.
I went to lunch with my friend Jenni who is running a marathon in two weeks. She was not a runner but joined Team In Training and loves that she is doing it but hates running. I have followed her journey and am amazed at her ability to conquer the demons that I am feeling right now. I told her that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it and she assured me that I could. She reminded me of how I felt invincible after the tri and told me that I will feel that way again. I told her how I couldn't explain how I, a non runner, have this desire to run. But she understood how I cried watching someone finish a marathon on TV, how I felt as happy for Edward Norton finishing as I would for a dear friend. I am invested in it and while I can't tell you why and I know it doesn't make sense, I am drawn to it.
Running is basic, primal; One foot in front of the other, repeat. It's the repeating that is the hard part and the part that I need to embrace and accept. I am going to be a runner. I am going to push myself even though it hurts. I am going to run when I don't feel like it. There are lots of people facing lots of challenges out there. I am healthy. I have a happy life. I have all my limbs and can use them. I don't have to battle a wheel chair every moment of life. I will run simply because I can.
But I'll still probably hate it. :)
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