I don't know how working moms do it.
All I wanted was to grab him back, cuddle him until he stopped crying and then take him home and play. Instead I tried not to turn around and look at him again (I couldn't help it and did - poor little guy) and went to work. Around 10:30 Ms. Joyce called and said he still hadn't calmed down. He would cry for no reason and he had worked himself into a crying fit that resulted in throwing up phlegm from the cold he had been fighting. It was slow at work, I have 56 sick days available to me so I told her I would come pick him up even though I am sure he could have made it through the day.
So Miller and I played hookie. We went and voted, we went shopping, he napped, we played with bubbles, puzzles, he helped me clean. I was able to get some work done and some chores around the house so it was overall a good day. He was definitely off and would still cry for no reason, but I think he had a much better time being home with me. I know I did.
Joe and I have chosen not to have children. This was not an easy decision to make and we analyzed, over analyzed and then analyzed it again. It was all I could think about over the course of 2 years. The many reasons why we chose not to have children could easily be a novel on its own, but that isn't the reason for this post. Having a child is the natural progression of life. You grow up, go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, buy a house....have a child. It is the circle of life, or at least the straight line of most lives. It is expected. I followed that line but now am veering off the path onto uncommon ground.
I have several friends that are pregnant, trying to get pregnant desperately, or trying to decide if they want to have children. For some reason, I do not have that desire. I do love Miller and enjoy the time with him. I think Joe and I would be fantastic parents and that we would love our family and never look back. But since I have a choice, I choose a different path for our lives, one that involves traveling, enriching our lives in other ways and concentrating on our relationships.
I wish I DID have the desire for children: it would make things so much easier socially. It is very hard to be a 35 year old woman and not have any children. In any given gathering of women the conversation turns to children and while I have child birth stories and funny tales to share, most times I am excluded from the conversation. I have actually had a woman ask if I had children and when I said no, she said "oh" and turned and walked away from me. I am jealous of my friends that know that they want children so badly that there isn't an option. I am left to walk down my path and wonder if I made the right choice.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
The Robert Frost poem seems so cliche, but I really can relate. I can see myself and my friends standing at the fork in the road and I choose left and they choose right. As we walk on, we are close in the beginning, but as time moves on the distance between the two paths becomes larger and larger until it is harder to see them and eventually I don't see them at all. For some people I made sure to tie a rope around their waists. Some of the ropes are strong as ever, some are elastic with periods of closeness and then further away. Some are getting frayed and some are so ruined I know the connection will break any moment if it hasn't already.
My mom once said the funniest thing to me when we were talking about having kids. (She has been annoyingly supportive saying it was a decision only Joe and I could make.) We were talking one day and she said it was so much easier before birth control. You didn't have to make the choice to have children, you just got knocked up. I am glad I do have the choice, but also see the ease in just having it happen and dealing with the situation.
Every choice has the option that wasn't chosen and I firmly believe that even the most resolute in their choice have moments where they wonder if they were wise when they stood at that fork. I am sure that going left is the correct choice for me and days like yesterday make me feel confident in that decision. I have fun playing. It made my heart hurt to leave him in pain. I love snuggling with him. And yet somehow I feel that not having kids is the right choice for me.
I remember one time I was with Erin and we were in line behind a baby. She was oohing and ahhing and said she was aching for a baby. I asked her if it literally hurt and she said yes, she felt empty inside. Cara has said she doesn't know why, can't really describe it, but she always knew she wanted to be a mom and have children. I don't have that feeling about kids and for a time worried because I didn't. Now I think of current goals in my life and know that I do have an indescribable want - just not for kids but for a half marathon. I mean really, I hate running. It's hard. Training for it is hard. But for some reason I can't explain, I know I want to do one. And I know as I cross the finish line all the pain, bad days and self doubt will be worth it.
I feel so incredibly lucky to have a friend like Sandy who has let me be such a major part of her son's life. I am so grateful to be able to spend time with him and create such a loving relationship with him. I love hearing him laugh and am amazed at how quickly he learns things. I am excited to watch him develop and wonder how I can help him become the best little man he can be. We've had great days, good days and some Calgon Take Me Away days. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what being a mom is like and that has helped me become confident in my choice not to be one. I have an unbelievable amount of respect and am in awe of my mom-friends and especially my stay at home mom friends. The amount of mental exhaustion they must feel is overwhelming to me and I'm not living it! I do think not being a mom allows me to be an incredibly awesome aunt. I feel like I am making a difference in the life of a child, just not my own.
I remember a scene in Say Anything when Diane Court is giving the graduation speech. She says "Having taken a few classes at the University this year, I have glimpsed our future. And all I can say is.....go back." I kinda feel this way about having kids. Miller allows me to glimpse the motherhood future and I'm choosing to go back. Finally, I'm OK with that.
Rupdate:
I had one of those mornings where I forgot a million things so had to keep running back upstairs. So I got to the gym 20 minutes late. I did a quick 15 minute run and then did my endurance swim of a mile, non stop. Both were good, although I was reminded how much I enjoy swimming, just swimming. I'm still slow, but I enjoy it. My running development is so far behind, I am so slow but I have to believe I am doing it correctly. My heart rate is still an issue and if it doesn't improve over the next month, I am going to see someone. Right now it stops me right when I feel like I am getting in a groove. I worked out solo again this morning. While I miss my mom, I did enjoy the solitude of the workout. I think that is one aspect of running I am going to enjoy, once I get going.
Joe and I stayed up way too late on Monday so I can feel my exhaustion setting in. It is going to be a challenge for me to continue to get up and work out. Finally though, the guilt I feel for not working out really outweighs the tiredness. It only took me four months, but I think I finally can do this on my own. I hope. :)
Rupdate:
Date 11/4/2009 (Holy crap it's November!)
Time: 15 minutes
2 minute warm up, 5 minutes running, 2 minute walking, 5 minutes running
Incline 1.0
Total Run: 10 minutes at 4.5
Total Walk: 5 minutes at 3.0
Total Mileage: 1.25 miles
Puke: No
Breakfast: 1 Kashi Go Lean Protein Bar
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