Tri Training Update - 3 weeks to go! Hello Stress!

I hate the saying 'I'm stressed out' because it seems so cliche. For the most part I feel like I handle stress pretty well. As long as I work out daily I seem to be able to keep things in perspective and go with the flow. I work in an industry where change is constant and this year has been a doozy. In January my company had a 'Reduction in Force' and 59 of my co-workers here in Charlotte were let go. My boss was fired in February, I picked up three new job responsibilities and got a new boss. Then last week THAT boss was fired and I have another new boss. The new guy seems OK. He has a decent, dry sense of humor that I like and so far our interactions have been positive, though I am pretty sure that in a few months I will not be doing the job I am doing now.

I will admit, I walked out of my first meeting with the new guy more freaked out than I think I ever have been. I went to Shelia's office, shut the door and cried. But I am a good problem solver and by the time I made it back down to my office I had a plan and a list of things I can do; even joked about launching a "Save the Mann" campaign with co-workers.

On Saturday morning I got up and felt a slight twinge in my back. I tried stretching to no avail. My face also decided to break out in a nasty way and coupled with the braces I felt positively ugly. I knew a workout would help so I ignored the pain and got in the car to drive to a class. I couldn't even make it into the gym; my back was spasming and would not let me do anything. I have a great relationship with my chiropractor so I was able to get right in to see him on Saturday morning. I couldn't remember doing anything specific that threw my back out of whack so he asked me if I was stressed. I laughed. I guess I am.

I don't know why it bothers me so much to say, 'YES I am stressed'. My job in up in the air, Joe and I are in a transition phase of our marriage, I have the triathlon that I am training for, my friendships are in flux, I am concerned about money, have gained 30 pounds and while generally happy, I have a lot of changes happening in and around me. I feel like it is weak to say I am stressed, or to admit that things are bothering me. My body had other ideas though.

I spent the entire weekend, on the couch. It was beautiful, sunny and not too hot and I longed for a decent bike ride but since I couldn't stand straight, a tv-athon was all my day held. Monday I went into work. I wanted to call in sick, but it was the new guy's second day on the job and I didn't want to be "that girl". By 3PM I could hardly move. I left early and called in sick on Tuesday. I ended up working from home but it was much better to not be locked into a chair all day long. By Wednesday morning I was feeling much better and berating myself for not calling in sick on Monday.

I am a firm believer that the body communicates with you if you listen. I try to be in tune to what my body is telling me to make sure we get along well. But the past few weeks I have ignored the many signs it has been giving me because I didn't want to admit I couldn't handle it. Dear Body, I am so sorry.

I took all last week and even Labor Day weekend off and I feel better now than I have in a bit. All of those things that were stressing me out are still there but I think a few days of down time, mentally and physically, made all the difference. I have a couple different options as far as a job goes and I am more curious than anything about how work is going to pan out. I am going to get back on the bike tomorrow and do the Booty Loop. Taking just a few days to get some perspective was exactly what I needed, shame on me for not listening to myself sooner. This morning when the alarm went off I felt rested and excited to get a work out in. I drove to the gym with the windows down and the radio blaring my current favorite song "She's Got You High" by Mumm-Ra and felt happy. I walked 3 miles and then swam for 30 minutes. My back feels good and it felt right to get active again.

I still hate saying "I am stressed" and want to be seen as a strong person who can make it through anything. Change, smange. I guess to be that strong person I need to admit that sometimes I'm not that strong and somewhere in there, I get the strength to carry on; the peace I need to have the right attitude. I have been so concerned about training for this triathlon that I think I forgot the process of it, the pleasure in taking each step slowly and growing steadily. When I look back at my first training session, I could hardly do 6 miles on the bike and you couldn't have paid me enough to run afterwards. Now I am sure I can finish, just wondering about time and thinking about next year and possibly a longer triathlon.

Instead of worrying that I set my training back I am going to praise myself for taking a week off when I needed it; for nursing my body by listening when it called for sleep, sleep and more sleep; and nurturing my soul by enjoying a lazy weekend with Joe, full of hand holding and nuzzling and just being ourselves together. I've got three weeks to go til the triathlon and hopefully will still have a job, but no matter what, I'll be OK. Bring on the stress - I can handle it!

For The Love of Fireflies

There is a new song out that I love right now by a band called Owl City. The song is Fireflies and my favorite lines are:

I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed

The melody is child-like and light and it stirs in me a couple of memories, both of which soothe my soul. When I was younger we would spend a lot of our summers at my grandparents' house in Pennsylvania. Catching fireflies was a highlight and I remember the magic of just laying on the grass and watching the light, then putting them in a mason jar and trying to capture some of the magic for myself. Recently I was with Miller, my 2 1/2 year old surrogate nephew, when he saw his first firefly. We turned all the outside lights off and sat on the porch and watched and then chased after them. It was fun for me to pass along such a childhood staple onto him.

The second memory is my wedding day. I was not nervous at all and the fact that it was raining a bit for my outdoor wedding didn't phase me a bit. During our vows, a huge rainbow came out, stopping the ceremony for a moment as everyone gasped and pointed out the spectacular sight. I remember looking up at the rainbow, then at my very soon to be husband and then I looked out at the crowd. We only had 27 people there, all our closest friends and relatives. Almost everyone was looking up at the rainbow and each of them had a peaceful and serene look on their faces. I remember at that moment feeling like I was wrapped up in the world's biggest hug of love, from everyone that mattered in my life. I was completely at peace and content and truly happy in that moment.

It has been a long time since I layed in my grandparents' yard and 8 years since our wedding. My grandmother is now suffering from Alzheimer's and while does a great job of faking it, cannot remember me or sometimes my mom. My grandfather in a cruel trick of fate, is physically very ill, but mentally sharp, funny and sweet. A few months ago the house they had lived in for 60 years caught on fire. It was an old stone house that the entire family made so the structure is good and they are working on rebuilding the house. Until then they are living in an extended living facility. They are both in their mid-late 90s and this is proving to be very stressful for them.

When I got married I carried the same bible that my grandmother carried in her wedding, adorned in orchids like she did. It was my hope that my marriage might last as long and be as strong as theirs. In a month they will celebrate their 70th wedding anniversary. When I think of my grandparents I think of their humor and their love. I wish my grandmother was still lucid so I could talk to her about her life and her marriage. I am sure they experienced the ups and downs of normal marriages and the fact that they are still together is a testament to love, friendship and loyalty.

I had a great day yesterday. Nothing major happened; on all accounts it was a normal day. Got up, worked out, went to work, worked out again and went to dinner. But inside of that were a few highlights. I talked to my brother and the rest of my family joined me for a run in the afternoon. Then the four of us went to dinner where we sat and laughed and talked for a few hours. I got home and saw a post from my friend Shelia (the one who motivated me to start writing again). She had read my blog and it inspired her. We exchanged some emails and I realized that she is a true friend; supportive, honest, caring and giving. I hung out with my husband, cat and bird a bit longer and then we went to bed. We keep it cold in our house so as we snuggled up together, I reflected on my day. I was exhausted; it was late and I was happy. I am loved and I love. I have people in my life that challenge me, that support me, laugh with me and cry with me. I have a husband who is my best friend and our marriage is stronger for the challenges it has faced. I think we have a good shot at making 70 years.

Every day has up and downs and every one faces some degree of challenge but to get through life you need to see the magic in your day too; dinner with family, an encouraging word from a friend, a warm embrace from a spouse, even a lick on the nose from a loving pet. I wish I could lay on the lawn at my grandparents' house and watch the fireflies with the innocence of childhood and maybe someday soon I will. Until then I will just hear the Fireflies song and think of my grandparents, my family and friends, their love for me and mine for them. Those are my thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs. Now I just need to find a mason jar big enough for all of them.