All Grown Up....

The last couple of days I have been in a bit of a funk that I haven't been able to shake. I think I finally have been able to figure out a few reasons why.

1. A couple of weeks ago I ended a 10 year friendship with 'Helen' (technically I guess she ended it, but I certainly had a hand in pushing her there). I really feel like I am back in high school and my boy friend just broke up with me. Sure, I know it is the right thing to do and I know I will be better for it, but I can't help but wonder if she misses me yet. So this weekend I went around my house and took down pictures of us, threw away her spare tooth brush she kept in case of drunk spend the night emergencies and packed up the "Best Friends Forever" nick knack hanging angel that was in the hallway. I debated taking down a picture she bought my husband as a Christmas present and decided that since it did not reference our friendship, and in truth I really like it, I would keep it up. I obsessed again if not reaching out to her was bitchy of me and if that meant that it was really ME that isn't a good friend.

2. I heard from my best friend throughout high school, Stacey. Her mother has been fighting lung cancer for 4 years and the cancer is now winning. The woman that I called my second mom is dying. I am so sad for her, that the disease has won; that her spirit is dying faster than her body; that her quick wit and loving voice has been ravaged and replaced with only small moments of lucidity. I am so sad for her daughter, my friend, who at 34 has found herself making health decisions for her mother, choosing not to tell her about the progression of the disease because she knows her mother's weakened mental state will not comprehend what needs to be done. It makes my heart hurt for the family who is faced with the reality that her death is the most positive option at this point.

3. In regards to work, a year ago I was in a completely different position, with my closest friends all working along with me. Work was challenging, exhausting and fun. One year and 55 people laid off later it is a different place. I still have some close friends here but not nearly what I had. On Monday I got some results that showed that I didn't win a particular challenge. My job is OK and I am doing OK, but there are days, and Monday was one of them, when I wonder if I am pushing myself hard enough, using my skills in the best way possible. Then there are days where I wonder exactly what my skills are and what I am doing here!

I remember when I was in 4th grade I would look down the hall and see the 7th and 8th graders and was so jealous. They got to play in the back of the building but I had to be in the front with grades 1-6. The older kids seemed so together, so glamorously grown up. I remember thinking what it would feel like to be older. Then suddenly I was in 7th and 8th grade but I didn't feel nearly as glamorous as those other kids looked. Then when I was a freshman in college I looked at the seniors and thought they looked so composed and mature and responsible. Then I was a senior and felt lost and scared and not at all collegiate! I know all the cliches about appearances not being everything but I still don't feel how I think I should feel at this stage of life. I don't feel like I am mature enough to be ending a friendship because it is no longer healthy for me to be in it. I don't feel like I am old enough to be attending funerals at least once a month. I don't feel old enough to have a close friend who is the care giver to her mother. I don't feel old enough to be thinking about life without my parents. I still feel like a kid myself.

But I guess I am a grown up. I am married, own a home, have a car and a credit card. I kiss boys (well one boy), and have even "done it" (except if my dad reads this, then never, ever, ever). I bet I even look "put together and glamorously grown up" to other people. So I think I was in a funk because all of a sudden I got hit with so many endings; the ending of my friendship with Helen, the ending of Stacey's mom's life, of Stacey's innocence. The most important ending was mine; the ending of denial. I am a grown-up. My work is different. My circle of friends is changing. Soon I will have to stand next to my dear friend Stacey as she buries her mother and I won't be able to do anything to soothe her pain. I might be called upon to be a care giver to my parents soon. The mortgage is due.

I have to imagine that everyone else is just making their way; wondering how all of a sudden they became a grown up. I have a great life and I know that...I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or say how horrible things are because in truth they aren't. But this week I could have used a vacation from adulthood; just a couple days of sleeping in, sitting too close to the TV, still in my jammies, eating cereal, my hair in pig tails, wondering when I could go outside and play. Until that magically becomes possible, I will try to get out of my funk by going back to basics. I am going to go home tonight and put on my jammies. I am going to sit too close to the TV and have ice cream for dinner. I am going to ignore the bills and the dirty house and wait for my husband to come home and play and make sure we giggle. I'm going to give myself a break and understand that a funk does not a lifetime make. I guess that is all I really can do. And maybe that is one part of being a grown up - realizing that there is nothing you can do about it but try to find some happiness, embrace your inner child, giggle and get up the next day.

For The Love of Fireflies

There is a new song out that I love right now by a band called Owl City. The song is Fireflies and my favorite lines are:

I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed

The melody is child-like and light and it stirs in me a couple of memories, both of which soothe my soul. When I was younger we would spend a lot of our summers at my grandparents' house in Pennsylvania. Catching fireflies was a highlight and I remember the magic of just laying on the grass and watching the light, then putting them in a mason jar and trying to capture some of the magic for myself. Recently I was with Miller, my 2 1/2 year old surrogate nephew, when he saw his first firefly. We turned all the outside lights off and sat on the porch and watched and then chased after them. It was fun for me to pass along such a childhood staple onto him.

The second memory is my wedding day. I was not nervous at all and the fact that it was raining a bit for my outdoor wedding didn't phase me a bit. During our vows, a huge rainbow came out, stopping the ceremony for a moment as everyone gasped and pointed out the spectacular sight. I remember looking up at the rainbow, then at my very soon to be husband and then I looked out at the crowd. We only had 27 people there, all our closest friends and relatives. Almost everyone was looking up at the rainbow and each of them had a peaceful and serene look on their faces. I remember at that moment feeling like I was wrapped up in the world's biggest hug of love, from everyone that mattered in my life. I was completely at peace and content and truly happy in that moment.

It has been a long time since I layed in my grandparents' yard and 8 years since our wedding. My grandmother is now suffering from Alzheimer's and while does a great job of faking it, cannot remember me or sometimes my mom. My grandfather in a cruel trick of fate, is physically very ill, but mentally sharp, funny and sweet. A few months ago the house they had lived in for 60 years caught on fire. It was an old stone house that the entire family made so the structure is good and they are working on rebuilding the house. Until then they are living in an extended living facility. They are both in their mid-late 90s and this is proving to be very stressful for them.

When I got married I carried the same bible that my grandmother carried in her wedding, adorned in orchids like she did. It was my hope that my marriage might last as long and be as strong as theirs. In a month they will celebrate their 70th wedding anniversary. When I think of my grandparents I think of their humor and their love. I wish my grandmother was still lucid so I could talk to her about her life and her marriage. I am sure they experienced the ups and downs of normal marriages and the fact that they are still together is a testament to love, friendship and loyalty.

I had a great day yesterday. Nothing major happened; on all accounts it was a normal day. Got up, worked out, went to work, worked out again and went to dinner. But inside of that were a few highlights. I talked to my brother and the rest of my family joined me for a run in the afternoon. Then the four of us went to dinner where we sat and laughed and talked for a few hours. I got home and saw a post from my friend Shelia (the one who motivated me to start writing again). She had read my blog and it inspired her. We exchanged some emails and I realized that she is a true friend; supportive, honest, caring and giving. I hung out with my husband, cat and bird a bit longer and then we went to bed. We keep it cold in our house so as we snuggled up together, I reflected on my day. I was exhausted; it was late and I was happy. I am loved and I love. I have people in my life that challenge me, that support me, laugh with me and cry with me. I have a husband who is my best friend and our marriage is stronger for the challenges it has faced. I think we have a good shot at making 70 years.

Every day has up and downs and every one faces some degree of challenge but to get through life you need to see the magic in your day too; dinner with family, an encouraging word from a friend, a warm embrace from a spouse, even a lick on the nose from a loving pet. I wish I could lay on the lawn at my grandparents' house and watch the fireflies with the innocence of childhood and maybe someday soon I will. Until then I will just hear the Fireflies song and think of my grandparents, my family and friends, their love for me and mine for them. Those are my thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs. Now I just need to find a mason jar big enough for all of them.