Where'd I go?

Last night was my first Tri It For Life meeting as Vice President. After a year of ups and downs, I was pleasantly surprised when I was actually excited for last night's meeting.  It's a great group of women and I do love what TIFL has done for me and my view of what I can do.

Anywho, so my friend Wendy is now on the board.  Wendy was the first person I met in TIFL and she is absolutely fantastic, funny and spunky.  She (along with Jeannine) was instrumental in making last year's Rock Hill TIFL team the special thing it was.  We were talking and she asked me about my half ironman this year. I groaned and told her I was scared to death and was wondering if I could do it.  She hit me and said "where's the Amy that is all gung ho? The Amy that says "With training you can do anything?" We laughed it off and the meeting got started, but I kept thinking about it.  She was right.  Where is that Amy?

I never thought I could do a triathlon.  I did.  I never thought I could do a half marathon. I did and now 13 miles is no big deal. Even with those things I worried about it, but there was always forward momentum. I was afraid and nervous, but doing it anyway.  With this I am paralized by fear.  I haven't registered yet. I can't seem to commit when people ask me if I am doing it. I've forgotten why I want this. My mom asked me if it was worth it and I paused before answering. I think it is but I've forgotten for sure. That's not me.

I had a 16 mile run last weekend. I ran the first 8 with Doreen and it went by so quickly. We were both running well, talking the entire time and having FUN. I ran the back 8 with Cindy (seriously have the greatest training partners ever!) and though it was a bit rougher due to foot pain, I still really enjoyed it. I did it. My longest run ever. I got in the car and drove home and honestly, I wanted to pull over and tell complete strangers I had just done 16 miles. The sense of accomplishment and pride was overwhelming (as was my smelliness, but that's another story). Not 5 hours later I was back at self doubt.

So here are my worries: the hills are too tough, I'll be last, I'm too lazy to properly train, all the other people will be "professional" or look like "triathletes", I'll be the fattest one, my knees hurt.

Those are almost exactly what other people tell me when I say I am doing a race. And I HATE IT.  I can't stand it when people say "Oh I could never do that."  I HATE when people give me excuses. 

And yet here I am, telling myself the same thing.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to run a marathon but never thought I'd be able to since I was not a runner. In less than 38 days, I will run a marathon.  It might not be fast. I won't be last. I'm sure it's going to be hard, and I'll at some point think I won't be able to finish.  But as long as I can walk, I will cross that finish line.

So where did I go?  I guess marathon training has been harder than I thought it would be.  It's not easy for sure.  I hurt. I'm tired. It takes a long time, literally.  I miss my bed.  But I am pretty sure I am going to be obnoxiously happy after I finish.  I keep reading all these motivational quotes trying to find the old me; that person that jumps in feet first with enthusiam and positivity, yelling "With training you can do anything."  I'm Pollyanna Sunshine, Glass Half Full Girl.  I hope I find that version of me again, becuase quite frankly I don't like this whiny, negative me. 

Best Music of 2011, So Says Me.

CD Cover design courtesy of Shirley Griffith

In no particular order:

1. Go Outside by the Cults - Such a pretty little song...and my general philosophy in 2011.  Go Outside.
2. Video Games by Lana Del Ray - I think this is just an achingly beautiful song. Her voice is haunting and the melody gets stuck in my head for days. I think she is going to be a force.
3. Up Up Up by the Givers - Just an all around good song.  Nothing deeper to read here people, move along.
4. Shake It Out by Florence and the Machines - I have been a fan of Florence for a couple of years so was worried when her big hit was selected as the "theme" for Eat Pray Love, a fantastic book but I refuse to see the movie version.  Even though that sent her into popular culture and the song was played over and over again, I still love it. That to me, is a testament to how great she is.  This latest from her is all Florence with shades of Annie Lennox.  Girl Power.
5. Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men - this is my absolute favorite band from Iceland.  Also, the only band I know from Iceland.  This makes me want to be in a pub, raising a beer and singing in the round.
6. Friend Crush by Friends - This was not love at first hearing for me, but it has steadily become one of my favorites. It's mellow but still groovy.
7. Down with the Trumpets by Rizzle Kicks - I am still a huge fan of the BBC's Radio One and this is a product of that obsession. It has such a great beat and reminds me of summer.
8. Mr. Saxobeat by Alexandra Stan - this is another summer hit that they played pretty constantly while Joe and I were in Mexico. I love it for instantly transporting me there.
9. Bounce by Calvin Harris - This gets the award for the song that makes me enact the title. Just listen to it and try not to bounce. It's techno, it's British, it's fantastic!
10. Dedication to My Ex - by Pierre Cardin (Originally Lloyd). This is just a "move your body" song that is a little bit funk, a little Adele all rolled up in one.  The original version is a bit dirtier than even I am comfortable with, so you get this G-rated one.
11. Shuffle by Bombay Bicycle Club - second year for this band's appearance on a Best Of by me.  It's another head bopper that I just love.
12. Rumour Has It by Adele - another Best Of Llum, Adele has hit the mainstream, but you have to love her voice.  She could use some therapy and maybe some anti depressants, but she's a great fresh sound.
13. Blood Pressure by Mute Math - a coworker has been a Mute Math fanatic for years but this is the first time that I've really gotten excited about something they've done. I love this; I love the words, the rocker sound, the ability to get stuck in my head.
14. Two Against One  by Rome - If there was an award for song that gets stuck in my head more than any other, this would win. As many times as I've heard it, I still like it.
15. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People - I tried REALLY hard to leave this song off. I even thought about other Foster the People songs I really love including Helena Beat or Don't Stop.  But this song has been playing on the station I listen to since January, it has been in pop culture since April - Mayish and I STILL love it. It's not a happy song by ANY means, but it is great. And honestly, the entire Foster the People album (yes I said that) is worth hearing. 
16. Midnight City by M83 - This is another song I didn't want to include after it popped up in some commercials. But every time I hear it come on the radio, I look to see who it is.  I just love it.  So it's commercial and trendy. It's still a good song.
17. Tongue Tied by Group Love - This band almost got two songs included because I couldn't decide between this and Colours. In the end, this one just made me happier. So if you haven't heard Colours by Group Love, check it out.
18. Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye - an Australian export, this is low key, but it sticks with me. It is unique and sad.
19. All I Ever Wanted by The Airborne Toxic Event - this is such a pretty song melody wise, but so tragically said lyrically. When I am driving alone and this song comes on, I turn it up, sing my heart out and get a little teary eyed. It's my favorite song of 2011.
20. Life's a Happy Song - The Muppets. The Muppets are awesome. The Muppet Movie was perfect. I cried. I laughed. It was everything I hoped for and more. The Muppets have always been able to make me smile and so many of my childhood memories are accented by The Muppets. Listen to this song; I hope it makes you hug the person next you and makes your heart smile. 

BONUS SONG:
Trojans by Atlas Genius - my second favorite song of 2011.  Atlas Genius is a new band from Australia that has stolen my heart. I'm rooting for them. So the song isn't included on my CD because I want you to go to Itunes, spend the 99 cents and buy this song. It's worth it and you will be supporting a small band with a huge future.

Holy Crap it's 2012!

It's been 2012 for a day and I still am thinking the new year means 2011.  So as everyone talks resolutions/goals, here are mine for the year:

• Run a marathon: I'm registered.I'm training. I'm worried. It's hard. The long runs are hard and my body is starting to get a little annoyed with me. I'm recovering well but I am finding my biggest challenge to train is my brain and my incredible ability to give myself a hard time. But Cindy told me something I love yesterday. I was having a hard run..hard for some physical issues (which got so bad I couldn't get back to my car and had to call Joe to come pick me up), but also hard mentally becuase it seemed SOOOO long. She hugged me and said "I can say this now that I have done it.  The long runs are really hard. But I promise you, that no matter how hard they are, it is absolutely, completely worth it once you cross that finish line."  That is exactly what I needed to hear. (Myrtle Beach Marathon - February 19)
• Finish a half ironman: I may be worried about the marathon, but I am downright scared about the half ironman. The course is hilly and it will be hard and hot. I'm afraid of this race, which is why I think I must do it. Or at least try. (Anderson 70.3 - October 14)
• Read at least 24 books:  Yep.  That's aggressive.
• Lose 20 pounds: I think this will make so many things easier. That will also put me around my goal weight which would be great.
• Talk to my parents at least once a week: I figure this will be a bit easier than seeing them in person.
• Work on friendships and me with some dedicated girls weekends: heading to Key West with Shelia and Columbus with my training pals. I look forward to sharing some fun experiences with people I love.
• Rededicate myself to TIFL:  I am VP this year. Last year was so time consuming that it actually burnt me out. I hope to be re-energized and help some women find their inner confidence!
• Continue to work on my marriage by supporting and loving Joe the best way I can.

2011 Year in Review

Joe just posted a status update saying "May your troubles last longer than your resolutions."  I said I didn't like that since I usually stick to my resolutions.  It helps that I am a planner, and that I have them in writing.  So here is what I said I'd do last year and my update on how I did:

• 6 mile run in Charleston (http://www.bridgerun.com/) -Did it. Joe did too...but due to knee issues, we walked most of it. But I'm glad I finally experienced this large race but don't know that I will do it again. The highlight was finally meeting FB and childfree list friend Jerry in person.  We've been friends online for years, so it was nice to actually meet him.
• Half marathon in April (http://www.racefest.com/)  - Sorta did it. I ran the 10K. But I made up for it by running two other half marathons - Roctoberfest and the Thunder Road half.
• I am doing the swim portion of a relay at the Jetton Tri in May  - Again, sorta. I ended up doing the bike portion of this. It was great fun to be a team with my fitness buddies Cindy and Doreen.
• 24 Hours of Booty with a goal of 100 miles this year (http://www.24hoursofbooty.com/) - Yep!  This continues to be my favorite event of the year.  Joe, Mike, newcomer Chris and I all hit 100 miles.
• The Nations Tri, International Distance Tri in DC (http://www.nationstri.com/) - Another sorta. Due to weather conditions, they cancelled the swim portion so we did the bike and the run. I was at first disappointed after training for the swim, but once I saw (and smelled) the Potomac, I felt better about missing it. Joe and I had a great time catching up with friends and competing together.
• MS Ride to Sunset Beach with Joe - Done!  Had a great time with Joe, Chris and our Sherpa Cara. 
• Lose 30 pounds -Sorta.  I lost 20. But I am happy with that.
• Train for a marathon next May of 2012 (flyingpigmarathon.com) Well life gets in the way sometimes so my first marathon will be in February, in Myrtle Beach.
• Continue to push myself to do the uncomfortable things at work and persevere no matter the changes or challenges -Done.
• Stop incurring debt and maybe pay some debt down -Done.  Plan in place and moving along nicely.
• See my parents at least twice a month - This is the one that I failed at. We saw them once a month, but with travel (mostly theirs), visits were not as many as I'd like.
• Read at least 1 book a month - As long as I can count this as over the course of the year, I did this.  12 books.  Hard to believe I once read 52 in a year.

Overall I am pleased with how I did over the course of the year.  It was a mostly good year...Joe and I continue to have a steady, postive marriage. We still like our jobs and for the most part, consider ourselves very lucky to be surrounded by great friends and family we love. Hopefully 2012 will continue to stay on this happy track!

 

 

26.2 Miles. Because 26.3 is just crazy.

I am 6 weeks away from my first full marathon. I have a wonderful plan, fantastic training partners who keep me honest and a brain and a heart full of doubt. This is really hard. Much harder than I thought it was going to be.  When I signed up, I was running well; feeling strong. I had images of running the entire thing, finishing at a pace that rivals Oprah (who finished at 4:29 which I think would be cool because that is my birthday, even though Oprah had a personal trainer and a dietician and all the time in the world to train). Now I hope I can finish.

I had a 14 mile run today. Good news is that I did it.  Bad news is that I feel like a truck ran over me. My legs ache. My feet are sore. I had to walk to last mile and I swear had you offered me a million dollars to run that last part, I would have passed it up. I couldn't have mustered anything. It was horrible. I thought about laying down on the greenway, calling Joe and hoping he could find me and carry me back to the car.

Cindy said her 14 mile run was the roughest too. I've also read blogs so it seems like this self doubt is completely normal and par for the course. I know it is the pain talking, but right now the reasons WHY I am doing this have completely escaped me.

There is really no point to this blog other than to whine and to get my worry out there. I remember when I was training for my half and I wondered and doubted if I could do it.  Now 13 miles is pretty easy. I am hoping the longer runs get up there too. Gosh I hope so.

November Music

People Help The People by Birdy
Call It What You Want - Foster the People
Used to Did by J. Roddy Walston
Don't Stop by Foster the People
The Fear by Ben Howard
Get Burned by Sleeper Agent
Turn Off This Song by Lonely Forst
All I Ever Wanted by Airborne Toxic Event
Not Your Fault - AWOL Nation

I am working on the 2011 edition of Amy's Audibles, my favorite songs from the year.  Email me if you want a copy.

Turns Out I'm A Big Fraidy Cat.

So to refresh you on my half Ironman attempt for 2012, I had planned on doing the Beach to Battleship half in November in Wilmington, NC.  I know several people who have done it and are still alive. The swim is a point to point with the current, the bike is flat and fast and the run is flat.  It has been super cold the last few years which makes me happy.  I recruited Cindy to do the swim, Courtney to do the bike and Doreen to do the run portion with me. It was all working out perfectly....until I got the email from Set Up Events that they were moving the date to October 20. NOOOOOO!  I had already committed to Cindy that I would do the Columbus half marathon with her that weekend.  I feel so badly I could not be with her when she finished her marathon this year, I really want to experience this race with her.  So not doing Columbus is not an option for me.

So I started looking for other 70.3 events.  I found a number that have cool themes but conflict with the MS ride.  Others were simply too far away to afford to do this coming year. I finally found one that is do-able: The REV3 Anderson 70.3 in Anderson, SC about 2 hours away from here.  Rev3 is a new events company that puts on triathlons that are very family and spectator friendly. Reviews online and from people I know are very favorable. The date is October 7 so it works being 2 weeks after MS ride and 2 weeks before Columbus. OK so I will do Anderson 70.3.

Then I looked at the course.  It's hilly; all of it - the bike and the run.  I looked at the elevation charts.  Yep, they are hilly.  Then I looked at the size - it's small which means that I might be last.  I started to freak out.  My freak out got worse. What if I can't do this? Why do I want to do this? Maybe I shouldn't do this. Maybe I should wait, knowing deep down waiting means I will never do it. 2012 is my year to do a 70.3. So I made an old fashioned Pros and Cons list.

Pros:

• Cheaper (entry and hotel fees)
• Joe can travel with me
• Timing works well with TIFL
• Nice perks
• Will feel more accomplished sine it isn’t an “easy” course
• Close means easier for my parents to come
• Close – means I can preview and even do a few training rides/run on actual course
• Smaller race means it won’t be so overwhelming for my first
• Very good reviews and freakishly passionate recommendations who have raced with Rev 3
• Hot Air balloon Theme
• Contact with them has been positive and encouraging
• On Facebook and twitter – lots of communication
• Race is on Sunday – means I don’t have to take a day off work
• Bike course has turns which means I won’t want to get an aero bike
• There is an Olympic distance if I really freak out

Cons

• Hilly which means harder bike and harder run
• Small means I could be last
• Small means mostly everyone will be faster than me
• It’s scary to do the distance alone, much less a hilly course
• Temperature may be in the 80s – running in heat sucks
• Swim is wave start, so relay option might not work out easily
• It’s not ideal and it’s not what I had planned or thought about 

So as I look at this I realize that most of my cons are fear based. What if I can't do it?  It's going to be hard. What if I can't do it? What am I thinking? I'm slow, I'm fat, I'm not talented at any of these three things in any way.  WHAT. IF. I. CAN'T. DO. IT? It hit me. I'm scared.

Thinking about doing it makes me want to cry.  Thinking about NOT doing it makes me want to cry. Reading about other people doing an Ironman makes me cry. HOLY CRAP I AM SO SCARED. I know I am going to do Anderson, there are just too many reasons why I should and not really any good ones not to do it. I'll just train. I can do it. I think. I don't know. I think I can do it. I don't know. Wow. I am so scared.