Plant Your Own Flowers

I still remember my first break up when I was 18. I sat on the floor sorting cards at the Hallmark store where I was working, sobbing to Whitney Houston's "I'll Always Love You."  What an overdramatic slobbery mess I was!  My dear friend Mandy gave me this poem and it became my mantra to get over my heart ache. 

I recently pulled the poem up for a friend who is facing a heartbreak and read it again with fresh eyes. While I have always thought of it as "The Break Up Poem", I think it really should just be required reading for women in general.  This poem in many ways defines who I am; I plant my own garden.  Life throws you a lot of hits and you need to be able to navigate your way through all that crap and come out on the other side.  Relationships come and go, grow and change, whether that is a friendship or romantic relationship, how you handle that inevitability speaks volumes about your character. So whether you are facing a loss of love, a death of a loved one or are just a girl finding her way, read this poem and see it not as sad, but as strong, hopeful and happy.  Then plant your own garden and live.

Comes The Dawn - Author Unknown*

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company isn't security. 
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents are promises. 

Concert Review: Capital Cities and GoldFields

If you are a frequent reader of this blog the name Capital Cities may be familiar to you as they were on my best of 2012 list for their song Safe and Sound.  Then they came out with Kangaroo Court and I knew I had become a major fan.  I got tickets to the show but wasn't sure if I was going to go.  It was on a Friday night and I am usually exhausted on Fridays, but bailing on a concert because I was tired made me feel old and yet the thought of going seemed like so much effort.  I was explaining my dilemma to a friend who encouraged me to go, even though he had no idea who were were going to see.  I knew he was right, rallied, and off we went. 

The opening act was Australian band Gold Fields, fronted by Mark Fuller, the most adorable lead singer possibly ever.  Their song Dark Again is pretty solid and after seeing the frenetic energy that the drummer had as well as the general attitude from the guys, I am hooked.  Seriously. ADORABLE.  Put him in my pocket adorable.  (I probably am old enough to be his grandmother.)

Then Capital Cities came out...all wearing white jackets a la Grease.  They started the show with a bizarrely awesome cover of Sinead o'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" and I was in love.  There were choreographed moves, tongue and cheek lyrics and they taught us a dance and got the whole crowd to (try) to do a simple side step move. We were relatively close to the stage and the people we were standing near were all into it too, adding to the overall feeling of pure joy.  One of my favorite songs was Farrah Fawcett Hair. Listen to the lyrics and I hope you will chuckle too.  It's Good Shit. 

The entire band just looked like they were having a great time dancing and playing on stage.  When they played Safe and Sound they encouraged us all to jump up and down and we did...it is hard to be there and NOT bounce along. They delivered a pretty long set including a cover of Staying Alive and Celebrate by Madonna.  But for me the part that made the biggest impression was when they put Safe and Sound on a automatic play and all the band members jumped into the crowd and danced and jumped along with us.  It was such silly and pure fun, a bunch of adults in a socially acceptable form of playing.

I can't remember the last time that I left a concert feeling so light and airy and happy and was thrilled that my friend also liked the band.  So many times I am alone in the music that I love, so it was great to see him smile and say he got why I liked them so much. The music is great, but the sense of happiness they inject into the crowd is even better.

If you get the chance to see them, PLEASE go.  I guarantee you will walk out with a smile on your face.  I know it when I hear it and Capital Cities is certainly Good Shit.

April Music

I can always tell when I am busy at work because my music list is short. It's not that there isn't new music, it is just that I am too busy to pay attention.  There are only a few on here, so it is eaiser for you to enjoy!

Late Night by the Foals
Recovery by Frank Turner
Don't Swallow the Cap by The Nationals - THis is the third single off their album Trouble Will Find Me Out and I have loved each one as much as the last. Sweater Weather is such a sexy song to me and this is a slightly happier song.  Really digging this band that first made Amy's Audibles in 2010 with Bloodbuzz Ohio.
Get Lucky by Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams

Love Yo Self

Over the years I have realized and been told, that I have a pretty decent self esteem.  I am not really sure what my parents did to foster this positive characteristic, but I am so glad they did. Of course I am not perfect, and I have moments where I hate this or that feature, but for the most part I am completely comfortable in my skin.  I own 23 bathing suits and don't feel awkward in a pool or a beach.  Am I as thin as I'd like to be?  No.  But I also realize that I have 100% control over that and really, if you are not going to be my friend/date me/etc because I could lose 40 pounds, well you are a horrible person and missing out on something great.   Have I always hated my nose?  Yes, though now am able to laugh at the Gonzo nickname I had in high school. 

I am writing this particular blog for two reasons.  I have a friend, who shall remain nameless, that recently went bathing suit shopping with me. She works out consistently and if you were to describe her, you would use words like thin, tiny and toned. Yet for her, putting on a bathing suit was horrible. She concentrated on every flaw on her body and was noticeably uncomfortable.  She was not able to look at herself in the mirror, in an adorable suit and say "hey, this fits me well and looks nice on me."  All she saw was wide hips, big thighs and a bit of extra padding around the waist.  I kept telling her how cute she looked, but she was never able to see it.  I was frustrated and heart broken. 

I realize that everyone is their own worst critic and God knows I have my days, but it made me so sad to see her so down on herself for no reason.  It just isn't right.

Then I saw this video, and it brought tears to my eyes.  Watch it.

Why is it that people judge themselves so harshly?  Why is it that our society stresses botox to remove the lines instead of celebrating the laughter and the smiles that caused them? Why can't we be half as kind to ourselves as we are to strangers?

I know there are no easy answers and just as I cannot identify why I am so comfortable in my skin, I can't tell you why others aren't.  But if you are reading this blog, take a look in the mirror and look at yourself through someone you love's eyes.  Realize that they don't see the tiny flaws that are huge to you...they see a smile, kindness in your eyes, a friend, a sister, a son, a daughter, neighbor.  

The Boston Marathon bombings prove that there is a lot of sadness and cruelty in the world.  We all feel like we are fighting battles daily.  Just make sure that the first battle you encounter isn't with yourself.  Love yourself, fat rolls, wrinkles, jiggles, big noses and all.

March Music

Super Rich Kids by Frank Ocean - if you didn't know him before the Grammys, I am sure you have heard his name by now.  I first came to know him from the song No Church in The Wild that was featured in Safe House.  I immediately bought that song....it's a good one (though from 2012). You will hear that a lot as The Great Gatsby gets closer to being released.
Swim Deep by The Sea - Ethereal pop.  I love.
Pompeii by Bastille - Another little British Pop band, but they are opening for Two Doors Cinema Club so I think they will keep growing. 
Duet by Everything Everything - you gotta love a band that has a song called "Photoshop Handsome".  I think this is such a pretty song.
Chocolate by The 1975 - I could listen to this song over and over again...love it. This is a new British band that has also opened for TDCC.  Interesting fact:  the name comes from a suicide note, telling of the owner's fall into insanity. It was dated 1 June The 1975. 
Next Year by Two Door Cinema Club - Speaking of TDCC, they have new stuff out - yay!  OK technically this came out in 2012, but this is hitting the radios now and I love it.
Elephant by Tame Impala - funky, funky, love it, love it.  "Bet he feels like an elephant shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it."

Definitions of Family.

Working late one night in 1996, I grabbed a fax off the machine and my life forever changed. We got faxes often, companies and non profits hoping for free PSAs on the station, but honestly most of them were thrown away.  This one with its bold "CALL FOR EGG DONORS" caught my attention.  You could donate your eggs?  I took it over to my co-worker and said "did you know you can donate your eggs?"  She immediately replied "that is HORRIBLE."  Hmmm.  I kept my mouth shut, but her immense hatred got me thinking.  I didn't think it was horrible, in fact I thought it was amazing.  I did some research and read countless stories about women who more than anything wanted a child but couldn't, and how that affected their esteem and their lives. I thought about it for a few days and then discussed it with my parents and Joe.  I knew early on I did not want children, but after reading the stories of the childless I suddenly felt selfish, sitting on this ability, this gift, and just choosing not to use it just because.  With my parents' and Joe's support, and without telling my co-worker, I signed up, went through the emotional, physical and intellectual tests, and ultimately donated my eggs twice.  The first time resulted in twin boys, the second time with twin girls.

I am immensley proud that I donated my eggs and helped two couples have children. Because I had experience with egg donation and the IVF process, I offered to help Sandy when she was trying to conceive. I am forever thankful for my donation because essentially it is the reason I have Sandy and Miller in my life. Over the years I have hardly given any thought to the biological offspring of mine, because that is what they are, offspring.  I am no more their mother than they are my children. I signed away my right to ever find them, but they have the right to find me should they wish, but I figured this would never happen.

A close friend of mine had an accidental pregnancy when she was 15 and decided to give the baby up for adoption. We have talked several times over the years about this decision and she has since had two gorgeous children with her husband.  The other morning I got an email from her; her ex had forwarded her the link of a woman 22, who was looking for her biological parents.  My friend wanted me to look at the pictures; did I think there was a resemblance?  The facts checked out, could it be her child?  I looked at link and immediately sent her a text "without a doubt, that is her".  She looked so much like my friend in some pictures, and yet others I could see the father.  The girl is undoubtedly a blend of the two of them and the likeness jumped off the page at me.  There is no doubt in my mind.

My friend is going to connect with her biological daughter; she always knew this day would come but the reality is a bit scarier and she is working out the details of how, when and what to say.

Being on this website that is a collection point for adopted children and parents, made me think about my own decision and wondered if there is an egg donor registry.  I did some searching and while it is not anywhere close to the structure of the adoption site, there is an online collection point for donor and children of donors. You have to pay a fee to be listed, and all that you give is the time you donated, the city and donor number if you have it.  I do not have that and don't remember ever knowing it.  I have no idea how many donations were made in Charlotte in the last 16 years, but there are only three donors listed, so obviously this is not a very popular thing to do.

The first set of twins will be 16 this year, the second set only 14. I have a few more years before this would even be a possibility. And honestly, there is the chance that the mother never told the children they were donated.  Since the mother does become pregnant and gives birth, and it was the father's sperm, there is the chance that they never told the children they were not 100% genetically theirs.

I think it would be neat to see them, if there is a resemblance, do a little nature versus nurture experiment, but that is all.  I donated the eggs, I am not their mother. I know that and should a child come knocking, that is what I would tell them.

I do think it raises an interesting discussion though regarding the availability and tracking of egg donors and similarly, sperm donors, meaning there is none. If you are a child born of an egg donation, you really have no resources available to find the donor. Whether it be for health reasons or just out of curiosity, it is interesting that an adopted child is supported in a search for birth parents but donor kids are not.  Maybe this is just a function of time, egg donation is fairly new and the children are just now hitting their 20s.  There are a few more options for children of sperm donors as that system has been around much longer and has been revolutionized over the years. It is going to take someone who is a egg donor baby, who is curious, and has the desire to create a system to be logged, or worse yet, create some legislation that will unseal documents.  Until then it will just be the few that seek out the limited resources that are available.

For me, I am not willing to spend the money to put myself out there. Maybe this is selfish and maybe it only really punishes the child who presumably just wants to know who I am. But I chose to donate anonymously because I believe that family isn't defined by genetics.  If one of my offspring has the energy and patience to find me, I will meet him or her.  But until them, I hope they cherish their families, because those are the people that are really important.

February Music...Gimme More, Gimme More!

Another strong month of new music and the introduction of some new techno-folky bands that I like a lot. Another first for me in February was seeing George Clinton and the P-Funk. I had no idea how much of this music and lyrics have populated mass culture. It was a great show and one that I am glad I was able to see, as I am not sure how many more concerts George has in him!

Happy and Down the Road by C2C - Little French tecnho band that I instantly fell in love with and bought everything.  These two are my favorites by far for their toe-tapping goodness.

If So by Atlas Genius - I continue to love everything by these Aussie guys and am glad they finally released their EP. 

One Way Trigger by The Strokes - It's techno. It's poppy. It's addictive.

Kangaroo Court by Capital Cities -  I wasn't kidding about the techno influence in this month's songs. These guys are coming to town soon and I hope they are as good in person as their recorded stuff has been.

Spotlight by Leagues - This is one of those songs that I instantly loved and somehow reminds me of summer.

Hero by Family of the Year- departing from techno to simple and sweet, Hero is a great song and worthy of being on a coming of age soundtrack a la Garden State.

Demon to Lean on by Wavves - a bit too much like Weezer but something about the edge in his voice makes me like this.

Heavy Feet by Local Natives - A haunting song, an oddly sweet video. 

Do the Right Thing by Dog is Dead - I am a big fan of Dog is Dead but they really haven't had any commerical success in the US.  I can't even buy them on itunes yet. Also listen to Teenage Daughter.